“American Horror Story” 1.04 Recap: “Hallowqueens”

This week American Horror Story delivered the first half of a two-part Halloween episode, and let’s just say that it sure as hell weren’t no Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown. Loaded with more twists and turns than even the usual AHS episode (which is saying a lot), this Halloween special delivered one of the nastiest shocks yet in the form of the death of a central character. Even worse? That central character was one of the only likeable ones in the bunch.

So toss on your Pretty Girl masks and let’s pick this baby apart, shall we? Whoops – sorry, Charles and Norah, no pun intended!

This week’s opening flashback takes us all the way back to 2010. You remember – that long-forgotten yesteryear when when Zachary Quinto was still straight. (All kidding aside, Zach, huge props for coming out last week.) Yes, LaQuinto is in the House, playing Chad – one of the much-talked-about previous owners of the Harmon Horror Home. Currently he’s in an HGTV-inspired fugue state in preparation for a Big Gay Halloween party. When his hubby, Patrick (Teddy Sears) passes through the kitchen on his way to the gym, Chad quips, “make sure you wear a condom.” Sheesh – and here I think my gym is strict for making you carry a towel!

Yes, Patrick is banging his “twink trainer”, who is apparently “a total power bottom”. Okay, already more than I needed to know. Wait, is a “twink trainer” a trainer who is a twink? Or someone who only trains twinks? Or someone who trains guys to BE twinks? AHS, what a tangled web you weave. Anytwink, Chad is upset that Patrick isn’t helping him to carve jack-o-lanterns, adding that he is doing a French aristocracy theme this year. Again, more than I needed to know.

In fact, Chad seems to be more upset by his inability to find gala apples (take note, because his tune changes later) than he is by the fact that his hubby is screwing his trainer. He says that he’s beyond the point of being hurt, at this stage. And he needs dry ice. Patrick counters that he wants a relationship with a man, not Martha Stewart. Hey, I think Alexis is still single! (Oh I kiiiiiiiiiiiidokaymaybenot.) Chad reminds them that all of their money is sunk in the house (sounds familiar) and the only reason he’s throwing such an over-the-top party is so that it can end up in a magazine and they can sell the house, freeing him up to find his own twink. He advises Patrick to “carve a goddamn pumkin, find a goddamn costume, and man up.” If I’m not mistaken, that’s the same advice Lucy gave to Linus in the pumpkin patch, no?

Patrick remarks several times that he can’t believe that they’ve turned into this – “Hallowqueens arguing over a pumpkin.” Seems that the house has already worked its magic on these guys. Either that or they’re just naturally assholes.

After Patrick storms out, mumbling about “we were going to have a baby something something,” Chad collapses, deflated at the sight of his own holiday handiwork: “Red is wrong. It has to be green.” He looks up, and Rubber Man is standing there. Oh hey – remember him? I bet he’s been off taking Powerpoint classes at the Learning Annex for the past two weeks. Anyway, much like Viv, Chad mistakes RM for his partner, and purrs that the costume is “scary sexy.”

Chad asks Rubber Man, “Did you get the apples?” and RM answers by grabbing him and throwing him into the antique buffet, then chucking him over the Shaker dining table, and finally by forcing his head into the apple-bobbing bucket and breaking his neck while he’s drowning.

How you like them apples, Chad?

Patrick, in an adorable cowboy outfit, appears in the doorway, sees Chad’s dead body on the ground, and gives his best Amnesia Eric Northman face to Rubber Man. Awwwwwwwwww. We cut away, left to wonder, ‘So which one of them ends up with the fireplace poker crammed up his chimney? And how did they both end up in the basement?”

Opening credits, which we now know contains many references to Dr. Charles and his side business. Ick.

In present day, Ben (Dylan McDermott) and Viv (Connie Britton) are accusing Marcy (Christine Estabrook), the realtor, of being responsible for no one’s buying (or even looking at) the house. Marcy counters with the brilliant line, “Don’t put the blame on Mame, Mr. Harmon,” and explains that to fix the house’s image problem they’ll have to hire a “fluffer”. No, not THAT kind of fluffer – the kind that literally fluffs pillows and sprinkles fairy dust around a house to make it more attractive to potential buyers. She knows of a British lady who is expensive or a young gay guy who is cheap – in unison, Ben and Viv vote for the young gay guy. And this being Hollywood, let’s face it – they’re probably getting the other kind of “fluffer” while they’re at it.

Oh, and we learn that the Twingers from Episode 1 egged the house (and Ben, who showed the tiniest bit of leg running downstairs in a slinky bathrobe) last night. I love those little brats.

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