Before we start, I have to say that I looooooove me a Christmas horror movie. From Gremlins to Silent Night, Deadly Night to Christmas Evil to Black Christmas to Jaws: The Revenge, I can’t get enough of a blood-spattered yuletide. (The only Christmas movie too scary for me? Christmas With the Kranks. [SHUDDER])
Did American Horror Story: Asylum deliver an advent calendar-worthy Christmas episode? Let’s check our list (twice) and find out…
We begin outside a classic small-town department store in the Christmas Story era. But instead of a Red Ranger power bb rifle, Sugar Motta the little boy heading toward the store with his mom wants a coonskin cap. His mom makes him put some money in the bucket of a bell-ringing charity Santa outside the store, and the Santa reassures the kid that all his capitalist holiday-entitlement dreams will surely come true. The store closes up and the lady drags her kid elsewhere, and a man (wait – is that Deadwood‘s Ian F*cking McShane?!) appears from out of nowhere to admonish Santa: “He’s gonna get pretty steamed if he doesn’t get that hat.”
Then he shoots him:
It’s 1962, and Ryan Murphy just ruined Christmas. Again.
A little girl sneaks downstairs to find our friendly neighborhood Santa-killer playing with a train set under the tree. In the awesomest under-12 Bahstin accent IN HISTORY, the little girl asks, “Wheahs ya beahd?” Seriously – I had no idea that Beantown was so overrun with brassy little ankle-biters with Good Will Hunting-certified accents. I LOVE IT.
Suzie then points out that Santa had to break a window to get in, and Christmas is six days away. She notices blood on Santa’s white fur trim, and he tells her that it’s time to wake up mom and dad.
Cut to dad waking up to the sight of little Suzie standing beside the bed … and Santa holding a gun to mom’s head. Yeesh. Santa purrs, “It’s milk and cookies time for you and me, Suzie.”
Later, Santa has mom and dad tied back-to-back with Christmas lights. Ooh – is this the scene where Denis Leary shows up and helps them save their marriage? (I love when Julie Walters gets bombed and tells Kevin Spacey: “Eat. Me.”) Santa says that he picked their house because it was decorated within an inch of his life, which annoys him. He then makes a rape joke, tells them they can pick who dies first, and then snaps and shoots them both in the head, noting, “I’m not feeling very Christmasy.”
You and me both, fella.