“American Horror Story: Asylum” Recap: Milk and Cookie

We begin with Son of Bloody Face (Dylan McDermott) – or “Darksided Charlie Day”, as I now like to think of him – sparking up in a sh*thole apartment. But wait a second – I recognize the angle of that davenport leg … IT CAN’T BE. THIS is what became of Oliver Thredson’s impeccablely appointed bachelor’s abbatoir?!?! OMG I’m seriously gonna barf – this is by FAR the most horrifying thing the show has pulled on us this year. So much midcentury goodness wasted! So many ottomans and cocktail sets never to be recovered! And let’s not even talk about the nipple lamp – it was a two-of-a-kind!


“Johnny” Face welcomes an extremely voluptuous vixen named Pandora into his criminally undertidied abode. Sadly, it’s not:


It’s another Padora altogether – although she’s kind of amazing in her own right. She’s just had a baby and has been saving it up all day and OOOOOKAY I see where this is going. Thank God I switched to soy!

Johnny extolls the merits of breastfeeding and asks Pandora if she leaks when she hears her baby cry. WTF? She says that she does, but it might be the crisp stack of $50’s he handed to her that’s talking. She unstraps her bra (“They’re juicy!”) and tells him, “Come to mama.”

Norman Bates, watch your back – there’s a new momma’s boy in town!


Back at Briarcliff circa 1965, Kit Walker (Evan Peters) is awakened by Dr. Oliver Thredson (Zachary Quinto) and Carl the Orderly. Thredson is taking Kit to see his baby boy, prompting Kit to ask, “What’s your endgame, Thredson?” Smarter question than I’d give him credit for, gotta say!

In the common room, Pepper (Naomi Grossman) fends off the other crazies while Still Not-Dead Grace (Lizzie Brochere) cradles her newborn. Thredson has the orderlies take Pepper away to the hydrobaths to calm her down, and for some reason she lets them. Can’t she go all Carrie White on them and crush them with the jukebox or something? Or maybe the aliens don’t care anymore now that the baby has been born?

Anyway, the orderlies whisk Pepper away to her stewing session, prompting me to note: “Carl, there is too much Pepper in my paprikash.”

The room clears and Kit holds his baby, and he tells Grace that he doesn’t understand how this happened. That’s more like the Kit I know.

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