“American Horror Story: Asylum” Recap: So I Married an Axe Murderer

Okay, so… whaaaaaaaaah?

Seriously, did someone secretly replace the gourmet insanity at this fine dining establishment with Folger’s crystals?

Or, to put a finer point on it: What the f*ck was this bullsh*t?

Let’s review:

It’s now 1967, and Kit (Evan Peters) is living the American dream with his two sister-wives and their two alien-babies. Until they aren’t: after a charming montage of his-n-hers high chairs and dish towels, we catch up with our lovably dense hero, whose bold wardrobe choice of pristine tidy whities and a wife-beater (HEY I DIDN’T NAME THEM) is distracting me from the fact that he is calmly pulling the axe out of someone’s back in his living room.

He stumbles, blood-spattered, and drops into his Barcalounger. A young voice calls from off-screen: “Daddy?” He tells her Daddy will be there in a minute.

OPENING TITLES

Okay – guesses on who that was in the red robe? Alma? Grace? Sunny Von Bulow?

We then flash back a bit (I’m guessing), as Grace (Lizzie Brochere) – in a red smock, mind you – is sketching with charcoal at the kitchen table and Alma (Britne Oldford) is bringing in vegetables from the garden and chattering about corn. Ah – we’re on the cusp of the Age of Aquarius, I see – which is confirmed when a shaggy-headed Kit enters talking about demonstration marches – sorry, “mahhches” – and nontraditional families and college students. Their nontraditional family makes them the children of the New Age, see? Plus they’re aliens.

Speaking of which, Alma isn’t happy that Grace is spending all her time lately sketching the creatures that abducted them and messed with their baby-makers all those years ago – which leads her to make this face a lot:

She tells Kit later that evening. She stresses to Kit that Grace clearly needs him, and that he should go to her. He does, and when he tells Grace to let go of those bad memories, she reminds him that her other memories – of murdering her family with an axe – are even worse. The lady has a point.

Kit tells her that she’s a different person now, and then they do it. Alma hears them through the wall – and suddenly the room shakes and the lights return, just like when they were abducted. Alma freaks out and Grace runs to her – and suddenly the living room curtains are on fire. Kit puts out the fire and sees Billy’s pickup speeding off into the night. Awww – see? It wasn’t aliens, it was just a murderous lynch mob! Now go back to sleep.

The cops come and when Kit tries to press for them to arrest Billy, the cop reminds Kit that polygamy is as illegal in Massachusetts as hard “r” sounds. Grace tells Kit that Alma freaked out because she thought the aliens were back – and more than that, Alma is repressing her memories and needs Kit’s help. She tells him to go to her. He does, and they probably do it – because that’s Kit’s answer to pretty much everything. I hope they never need him to change a light bulb!

Anyway, I’m already tired of the alien-sister-wives sending Kit back and forth to one another like a pair of traveling pants. Hey – wouldn’t it be great if Shelley (Chloe Sevigny) were still alive and she could be the Barb of this here Big Love situation? No? Okay then.

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