“American Horror Story: Coven”: Worst. BBQ. Ever.


Before we light up the Char-Broil and get down to bidness with this week’s episode of American Horror Story, did everyone see the clip of hottie neighbor Luke making out with Doctor Who? Of course everyone did. Now let’s roast us a witch!

It’s 1833 – do you know where your children are? If you’re Delphine LaLaurie (Kathy Bates), you sure do: they’re in the cages in your attic! Okay, so it’s good to have a reminder of just how horrible a racist, sadistic, murderous psycho this woman was before they gave her the Maid to Order treatment and turned her into a goofy uniformed sad sack. But let’s give credit where it’s due: girlfriend really does it up for Halloween!

Also, what in the hell is her daughter’s name? Boquita? Martika? Morcheeba? Anyway, the daughters aren’t keen on momma’s slave-entrail Halloween decor, so they muse about taking her down – which of course lands them “upstairs” and scheduled for a Christmas morning shit sandwich.

Back in the present, the girls are back in town and ready to repay their mother for Christmas brunch. Full-scale zombie invasion on Halloween? GORGEOUS.

Cordelia (Sarah Paulson), meanwhile, is still in the midst of having her face burned off at the hotel bar, and Fiona (Jessica Lange)  sees a black-cloaked figure scurry away in the fray. She gets wasted in the hospital waiting room and sasses back to a doctor who tells her that Cordelia is blind, and that it was probably something like sulfuric acid. Fiona attacks him. Hey, FiFi – when all else fails, BLAME OBAMACARE.

Back at Hogwarts, Zoe (Taissa Farmiga) gets her Rick Grimes on and rallies the troops against the zombie attackers. Queenie is still weak from her Minotaur booty-call but strong enough to chirp, “Tell it to the army of darkness!” to the disbelievers in the room. Acr0ss town, Marie Motherf*cking Laveau (Angela Bassett) floats above the floor in a white-eyed trance. I bet she also sleeps above her sheets. Like, four feet above her sheets.

Next-door hottie Luke Ramsey (Alexander Dreymon) goes outside to reason with the zombies, believing them to be trick-or-treaters with exceptional costume budgets. While he’s out there, Marie remotely activates the zombies to attack, and a few trick-or-treaters get slaughtered on the lawn. (Even worse, the house before this one handed out Mary Janes!)  Luke tries to run but he gets a hatchet in the back. Eesh! Although I can’t blame the zombies – he does look quite tasty, and I’d probably start with the back first myself.

Inside, Zoe wants to retreat to the attic but Spalding (Denis O’Hare) is adamantly against it, as he only has matching tea service for 8. And that dead chick. When Nan (Jamie Brewer) realizes that Luke is in peril, she runs outside and carries him – BLESS – to the safety of a car. This chick rocks – she’s serving Linda Blair from Hell Night realness and I am gagging on it.

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