“American Horror Story: Coven” Recap: A Little Club Soda Will Get That Out

AHS311delphine

In 1830, Delphine LaLaurie (Kathy Bates) arrives in Nawlins from Paris and bemoans the conditions of her new home, including the demeanor of her house slaves: “They have no inner light!” Yes, well – they are slaves. Cut them a little f*cking slack, how ’bout. From the look of her dress she is also either auditioning to play Popeye or smuggling smoked hams in her sleeves. Seriously, WTF?! When her daughter (Bon Qui Qui?) balks at the thought of killing her own chicken, Delphine does it herself and something seems to stir within her as the blood flows from its neck…

Upstairs, she comes across a slave who has cut himself in the attic, and she wastes little time knocking him out, stringing him up, and bleeding him to death, remarking, “I think I’m gonna like it here.” And she hasn’t even been told yet that the swimming pool is to the left, and the tennis courts are in the rear!

OPENING TITLES

At Nan’s sad little funeral, Fiona (Jessica Lange) says she “fell in the tub” and Marie Motherf*cking Laveau (Angela Bassett) clearly would rather be playing Solitaire on her iPad. But all of a sudden a black car pulls up and… it’s Queenie (Gabourey Sidibe)! Good to see you, girl. She has with her a reassembled Delphine, on a leash. Turns out Queenie’s powers have also grown – not only did she survive the gunshot to the brain, she is now a whiz at human jigsaw puzzles!

Back at the Hair Club for Men, the Guy from Smash and his pal discuss how Hank will be neither mourned nor missed, and the only people who can help them recover their company are the witches. Who just took it all away. Wait, and these guys were businessmen?

We then have a montage detailing Delphine’s reentry into Hogwarts, which includes all kinds of indignities like giving pedicures and pouring champagne and flushing Madison‘s zombie shits for her. As Delphine recounts her youth as a budding psychopath, we see that she is feeding the witches the offending poo in a soup that resident Gael Greene emulist Myrtle Snow praises for its mulligatawniness. Marie makes Delphine care for the black baby she stole and tells Delphine her days are numbered, but when a black gardener named James comes in looking for help after having cut himself on a fig tree (did Myrtle just say that figs smell like “a Nubian’s ejaculate”?! UPDATE: No, she said “Olympian’s ejaculate,” which is far more proper, no? No.), she takes him up into the attic, ties him up, and cuts his toes off. I guess the point of all this is that old habits die hard? Is this How Delphy Got Her Groove Back?

AHS311zoekyle

In the bathroom, Zoe (Taissa Farmiga) does a spell on the tub while Kyle (Evan Peters) watches, just happy to be onscreen at all) and learns that Fiona and Marie drowned Nan together. Madison (Emma Roberts) barges in and tries to blow Kyle to make Zoe jealous, but Kyle throws her off. Mads gets even by going all Carrie White and flying a lamp into the back of Zoe’s head. Myrtle tut-tuts them, and Madison says she’s going to modernize the coven, “crotchless panties for everyone.” I would take the time to explain this but it’s not worth it and we are only about 10 minuted into the episode, at this point. Lots more to cover.

The Axeman (Danny Huston) plays a sexy saxophone solo for Fiona. Ugh. There’s some sultry mumbling, shots through a ceiling fan, and mention of gin rickeys. Okay, maybe this coven could use a little updating, after all. They decide to kill the new Supreme, retire from being evil, and go live on a farm somewhere. But first she needs a favor.

Spaulding (Denis O’Hare) appears to Delphine in the attic and in a charming bit of Upstairs Downstairs (or Upstairs Upstairs, I guess), the staff reconnects. He helps her clean up James’ gutted body and tells her he knows a spell that will make Marie weak enough for Delphine to be able to kill her, and he will tell her for a price.

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