American Horror Story was back last night with another plot-heavy and sort of scattered episode loaded with ugly sex, backstabbing (well, neckstabbing, technically) and general bitchery.
Let’s dig in!
Fiona (Jessica Lange) tosses and turns in her Supreme Suite, eventually reaching for pills and water – sorry, did I say water? I meant bourbon. She washes the meds down with a swig (they sound like M&Ms rattling against her teeth) and has a flashback to another time long ago when she raided that same liquor cabinet as a student of Professor Xavier’s School for Witches Who Can’t Spell Good. Her mentor, a kindly witch played by Broadway legend Christine Ebersole, chides Fionette gently for not joining her sisters at a feminist rally (Fiona clearly isn’t interested anyone but herself) and says that when she was young she knew she was the new Supreme when she had “mastery of the Seven Wonders.” Let me guess: Stevie, Bread, Woman, Wheel, Showzen…
Fionette calls Glinda on the carpet: she knows that the old gal is losing her powers because she is the new Supreme. Glinda slaps Fionette, calling her “a vicious little gash,” which is something I’ll admit I never thought I would hear come out of the mouth of a multiple Tony-winner. Apparently not a fan of her Grey Gardens, Fionette cuts her mentor’s throat with a curved blade, just as Spalding (Denis O’Hare, younger but just as creepy!) enters the room. They make a silent agreement to keep this a secret. Back in the present, Spalding (grey) is standing in the same spot. Fiona hisses, “What’s the matter, cat got your tongue?”
At a local bar, Fiona sits and rhapsodizes about how she used to be able to bag any bro in the joint as nightmarish jazz blares and the camera whizzes about as though it were a balloon that has just come untied. I half-expect that Judy from AHS: Asylum is about to sing a set. Fiona is clearly upset that she can’t pull as much man-tail as she used to, so she visits a plastic surgeon about getting a facelift. Before she agrees to go through with it, she demands that he show her a video of the procedure. He does, and she makes a face that is exactly the face I make if I ever accidentally stumble across a rerun of Everybody Loves Raymond. (Fun fact: Everybody, in fact, does not.)
Zoe (Taissa Farmiga), meanwhile, journeys to the Lower 9th to visit Alicia, Kyle’s mother – who for some reason is played by Mare Winningham, the virgin from St. Elmo’s Fire. Her current fire of choice is the bowl of Kyle’s weed that she is sparking as she mourns her son. (Atta girl!) She reveals that she was literally just about to hang herself in anguish when Zoe called, so thanks for that. Zoe promises that Kyle isn’t gone forever.
Back at Hogwarts, Nan (Jamie Brewer), Queenie (Gabourey Sidibe) and Madison (Emma Roberts) watch as a new family moves in next door – specifically, the insanely hot son, who takes off his shirt in a moment straight out of a Diet Coke commercial from the ’90s. But Patti LuPone (Patti. Motherf*cking. LuPone.) – apparently his mother – barges in to shut down the peepshow.