“American Horror Story” Recap 1.05: The Dead “Breakfast Club”

This week American Horror Story ran the second half of its Halloween-themed two-parter, and I think I speak for all of us when I say thank GOD everything makes sense now, right?

WRONG. This show’s still nutty as a fruitcake and twice as nauseating … in the best possible way, of course.

While it did close the book on the Harmons’ first Halloween in Murder House, this really could have been its own episode – the biggest takeaway from the two-parter is exactly how busy a night in that damned Victorian really is. It’s like Grand Central up that piece – or the Brady Bunch bathroom, even.

Anyway, let’s get to it – these bodies aren’t going to unearth themselves! Except that they are.

We do a tiny rewind from last week’s cliffhanger and learn that – as I suggested in my recap last week - Tate (Evan Peters) did indeed come to pick up Violet (Taissa Farmiga) for her date, which is why Ben (Dylan McDermott) and Viv (Connie Britton) came home to an empty house – or as empty as this one gets, anyway. Rubber Man gets a page or something (rubber booty call?) and decides not to drown or violate Violet, leaving her to return to her Mope Cave, where a mysterious hand very nearly grabs her foot from under her bed when she moves to the window to see Tate. From last ep I’m gathering that this is our first hint that Constance dragged Addy back to the lawn in time, but I could be wrong.

She meets Tate in the basement (ever the romantic!), where he gives her a rose painted black and says that the weirdo at the door was probably just “some asshole kids.” Unlike you, Mr. Romance? He’s the first boy to give her a flower. I’m guessing he’s the first boy to ask her out who has his own death certificate, too, but we’ll get to that later. The point is, it’s a night of “firsts” and Violet wants to let her hair down!

Viv and Ben come home and Viv calls Violet’s cell phone, as per Ben’s suggestion. When Violet picks up she’s at the beach with Tate – Viv is mad, but when she hears that her little Wednesday Addams is actually having FUN for once, she tells her she can stay out for an hour.

Viv catches up with Ben, who has just shut the door in Dead Crayden‘s face (Kate Mara), and is now diving for the biggest knife this side of a Top Chef promotional display. When Viv asks what’s up with the cutlery, Ben babbles about the neighborhood kids wrecking the Halloween decorations and Viv deadpans, “And your plan is to kill them?”

Viv says that she’s going upstairs to let Calgon take her away, and that in the morning they can talk about her giving Ben the bum’s rush. He yells after her, “I’m not leaving this house, and I’m not giving up on this family!” You’re on your own with that one, bud!

OPENING CREDITS. I think I hear this music in my sleep now.

Ben sneaks out back, thinking that Crayden is out there, and grabs a shovel, because that worked SO well on her last time, right? Larry the Burn Guy (Denis O’Hare) sneaks up behind him and rather hilariously tugs on the handle of the shovel, whining, “I want my monaayyyyy…”. Ben rewards this with a shovel-smack in the face. Ha! Funny, but not as funny as when Crayden got it, gotta say.

Ben throws Larry against the gazebo and demands to know where Crayden is; Larry reminds him that they’re standing on her. Ben tells him that she was just at his front porch 10 minutes ago and Larry’s all, “Uh-oh – was she pissed?” Again with the HA! Ben seems to think that Larry and Crayden faked her murder to extort a lousy grand out of him, and he starts roughing up Larry to get a confession. Larry seems to like it. He laughs at Ben and his puny analyst’s worldview, telling him that “he doesn’t even know the question” and begging him to kill him, “so that I can come back and haunt you, too.” Murder victims: Truly the bedbugs of the afterlife.

All this makes me wonder, though: Where are Larry’s wife and kid(s) in all of this?

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