Hey, little piggies! Is everyone ready to pull back the shower curtain on the latest episode of American Horror Story? Careful – there’s a big bad Persian Armenian wolf set to blow the house down and an undead housekeeper set to blow – well, I’m getting ahead of myself.
We start the episode, as usual, in a flashback. Constance (Jessica Lange) is crying in front of a crackling fire. Speaking of fire, a pre-burn Larry the Burn Man (Denis O’Hare) walks in and hangs up the phone behind her. She tells him that they’re charging her with criminal child neglect or something like that – is she talking about Tate shooting up his school?
She makes an offhand reference to the child in question, noting, “Now you know how he is when he’s not supervised” and mentions a name – Carl? Gal? Bowl? Damn you and your Old Dominion whispering, Connie!
Larry assures her, “You know I love you – I would do anything for you.” Oh my! There’s an interesting development. Connie responds, “Then do it – like we discussed.”
Oh – it’s 1994. Not a good year for the Langdons, apparently!
Larry makes his way to the attic. A red ball (like the one we’ve seen a few times in the basement) rolls out to him from the darkness and he calls out for someone – Beau?
We see a form emerge out of the darkness … OMG it’s Cher’s kid from Mask! Sorry, hold on a sec, my phone is ringing… [muffled conversation] Okay, I’m back – that was just my travel agent confirming my one-way ticket to hell. (Fingers crossed for an upgrade!)
Anyway, Beau wins Ironic Baby Name of the Year, because he’s fug in the extreme. He kind of looks like Sloth from The Goonies – and much like Sloth, he’s got shackles and chains on. Poor thing! Let’s hope a chubby kid with a Baby Ruth wanders up here sometime soon en route to certain death.
Larry says, “You want to play – it’s too late for games.” He helps Beau get in bed and tucks him in, quoting Hamlet: “Time to sleep – perchance to dream and stuff about death and stuff.” Then he suffocates him with a pillow. Let’s face it, he’s probably better off this way, because he won’t have to suffer through Larry’s Ibsen phase.
Vivian (Connie Britton – hey, congrats on the adoption, girl! All things considered here, PROBABLY A WISE CHOICE.) and Ben (Dylan McDermott) are at the gyno, where Viv is confirming what we all thought was a bit odd at her amnio last week: “You didn’t see anything unusual, hooves or anything?”
Ben turns to her with a totally deserved “What?” and the annoying gyno from hell assures her that there was nothing odd about the scan, except of course for the fact that Viv is having twins (oof – DOUBLE THE HOOVES) – but they’re both perfectly healthy. I hope they’re little tree-hating ginger nightmares! (Seriously, how AMAZING would it be if those buck-toothed brats sprung out of her gut in the midseason finale?)
Back at Murder House, Marcy the realtor (Christine Estabrook) is giving her standard and clearly oft-repeated spiel to a well-dressed, dark-haired man, although she makes one Freudian slip: “Everything was meticulously restored by the previous homos. Owners. Home owners.”