We’re in Top 10 season! Hooray! And that means it’s already time for the first elimination show, which is an excruciating 60-minute death march. Here are the 25 things I took from it. They’re also the 25 things you should be thinking, verbatim.
1. Phillip Phillips’ cameo in the opening lineup was admittedly hilarious. The guy is effing endearing, even if he is still wearing Kohl’s t-shirts from 1991 and expecting my mother not to donate them to AmVets. He’s a cool guy. More on this scintillating discovery below.
2. Jimmy Iovine on Janelle Arthur: “This girl’s not going anywhere!” But she just said she’s “gone!” Sad.
3. Jimmy Iovine on Angie Miller: “Doing ‘I Surrender’… was really good. It wasn’t as good as some of the judges thought it was, in my opinion.” OK. Now I love Jimmy Iovine. Because that was the staidest song choice ever, and Angie’s performance was downright nondescript compared to Kelly Clarkson‘s.
4. But… what was Jimmy Iovine smoking when he declared Burnell the best male performer of the night? I barely remember that performance.
5. Devin Velez, it’s time to date me! The time is now! Find me. Let’s get lost in one of Curtis‘ blazers together.
6. When did Ryan Seacrest become a crazed statistician? “This just in! Janelle was #1 in Tennessee! Devin was #1 in Puerto Rico! Candice Glover was #1 on a dumb island. Paul Jolley was #1 in the gay nude rodeos of Tucson!”
7. Uh, The Croods? Our top ten just sang a song from The Croods? If I knew what The Croods is, I’d probably be infuriated. Also, now I don’t need to hear the word “shine” for the next 20 years. Sorry, Geoffrey Rush.
8. Aw, that was quaint when Kree Harrison received a key to her Texan hometown. Too bad she didn’t appear to know who the hell the emissary was.
9. Jon Bon Jovi? Can still get it at 51. Sexually and vocally. He and Valerie Bertinelli should have a pretty-over-50 fight to the death.
10. Oh no. Not the return of Charlie Askew and his off-key wail. Though I do hope he lands the starring role in a CW series called The Adventures Of Young Paula Poundstone.
11. Aubrey Cleland. I guess you are still a Rihanna-haired person. Fun! No, boring. Nevermind.
12. A one-off Phillip Phillips performance is actually pretty refreshing. As a contestant on Idol, he was so similar from week to week that it became a chore to absorb his cheeky growls again and again. Pleased to be delighted by him.