1. Candice, Kree, and Angie sing a terribly dubbed version of “Who Says” by Selena Gomez. They almost gain the energy to speed up their collective saunter, but it doesn’t happen. Stumping for Ford Fiesta is tiring, I guess. And so is pretending to believe in the poetic power of a Selena Gomez song.
2. As part of their “Fiesta Mission,” the three ladies head over to a high school and sing with the choir. I wanted Candice to announce, “EVERYONE HERE IS GETTING A FORD FIESTA” before walking away and leaving them nothing.
3. I have to agree with Jimmy “Aged Tortoise Emperor” Iovine about Angie’s performance of “Sorry Seems to Be the Hardest Word.” Solid, but underwhelming considering how big and emotional the song is. She’s no Leona Lewis.
4. Just noticed that Paul Jolley and Devin Velez are sitting together in the audience. Awww. Check your Grindr inbox, boys, I have all these ideas.
5. OMG, Lauren Alaina is performing. They flash back to when she auditioned with “I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing” and Steven Tyler jumped in with a HORRIFYINGLY BRAYED “Waaaay far away and dreaaaamin’.” I choke-laughed and retch-cried.
6. Lauren Alaina has straight hair now and looks more like Candace Cameron than ever.
7. Her new song is called “Barefoot and Buckwild,” which is coincidentally the Grindr usernames of Paul Jolley and Devin Velez.
8. I’m telling you Angie Miller shot what appeared to be a condescending smirk at Lauren Alaina. My theory that Lazaro Arbos was referring to her when he called one of the contestants “crazy” still stands.
9. Kree’s performance of “Here Comes Goodbye” really was great. Too bad it was a Rascal Flatts song about their corny-ass emotions.
10. Mariah Carey gave a “Music Video 101″ to the three contestants, which consisted of her saying, “I have ALL THE POWER on my music videos now. ALL OF IT.” Then her insane video “Beautiful” premiered, in which she writhed around in tiny bike shorts and/or a tiny yellow dress for three minutes. This is a woman who loves writhing. Like she never got off that yacht from the “Honey” video. I support this.