“American Idol” Top 3 Rankings: Home Alone

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Maybe Project Runway has trained me to believe that the “home visit” episode is an over-edited, under-meaningful ritual that we should just do away with completely, but I have to hand it to Nigel Lythgoe and the gurgling hate machine that is American Idol: I — ugh — found myself genuinely moved by Candice, Angie, and Kree‘s home visits. I mean, Jesus. Candice with her kickass mom, millions of siblings, and all the shouts of “Gullah” and other islander buzzwords. Angie and her likable family, who put some light behind Angie’s Furby stare. Kree and the devastating visit to the dilapidated home she and her sister once shared with their parents, who both died in terrible, separate accidents. Like Mariah Carey, I found myself weeping caramel-colored tears down my topaz cheeks and onto my Frappuccino-colored breasts. Hashtag pow (in my heart).

Even more depressing: The contestants sang three songs last night, and the themes for the tunes were “Judges’ Choice,” “Producers’ Choice,” and “Jimmy Iovine’s Choice.” All three of those are code for “Some Millionaire’s Choice.” Grim.

Before I start throwing around conspiracies about why certain performers were given explosive tracks while others were given Rascal Flatts less-explosive tracks, let’s rank your competing chanteuses #3-1.

3. Kree Harrison, “F***in’ Perfect”, “Here Comes Goodbye,” “Better Dig Two”

I’ve never been a stauuunch (said in Jinkx Monsoon-as-Little Edie patois) Kree fan, but I recognize her chirpy goodness well enough to say it sort of sucks that she is definitely going home tomorrow — and not in the Glamorous Home Visit way either. Kree’s “purity” (quoth Mariah-as-Mariah) still reads loud and clear, but over a three-song arc on last night’s show, she didn’t show off enough versatility to establish herself either memorable or dogged enough to win. Even on her “uptempo” “rock” song “Better Dig Two,” she swayed with the annoyed angst of a worn-out Zumba participant.  ”F***in’ Perfect” was well-sung, and “Here Comes Goodbye” even better, but the problem is it’s “Here Comes Goodbye.” Some goopy torch ballad for contestants like season 9′s Aaron Kelly, not the thundering Opryland minx who smacked us with not one, but TWO Susan Tedeschi jams this season.

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