“American Idol” Top 4 Elimination: 20 Necessary Comments

It’s the Top 4! Again.

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1. Oh my God. Candice, Kree, Amber, and Angie are forced to perform a frenetic, jazz-handed version of “Crazy in Love.” It is more sexless than a Tina Knowles pantsuit, but Amber is a superfly Naomi Campbell doppelganger in her kicky shorts. Apparently this song is on the Great Gatsby soundtrack, which means F. Scott Fitzgerald‘s decision to be the worst alcoholic of all time was justified.

2. Aw, look: The girls are pimping the Idol summer tour, the one that will be dramatically under-attended (Spoiler Alert!). I know this isn’t a popular season of Idol, but I think this’ll be the best summer tour since at least season eight. Remember when American Idol tried to convince you that seeing Lauren Alaina would be exciting? Grrr. I’m still mad. Or to put it in Lauren Alaina’s voice: I’m stee-yill may-yad!

3. The Ford Fiesta segment is the lamest and most hilarious yet. The Top 4 are responsible for “designing Fiestas inspired by the music [they] love.” This means some “artist” in a bomber jacket helps the girls decide whether they want to stamp a Fiesta with a giant graphic music note or perhaps a treble clef! As you can see, the resulting artwork is the most hideous pair of cars ever. And poor Amber matches the hiddy-er one.

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4. Jimmy Iovine concurs that Angie’s performance of Rihanna’s “Diamonds” was lame. Her punishment should be a performance of “Shut Up and Drive” where she gyrates on top of a hideous red-orange Ford Fiesta.

5. Sometimes Harry Connick Jr. looks like John Mellencamp’s shady cousin.

6. David Cook is back to perform! Say what you will about the relevance of American Idol, but it’s cool that the show takes time to invite back its alumni. Has The Voice ever invited back its previous winners to perform? No. I assume that’s because The Voice‘s producers can’t even remember its winners’ names.

7. David Cook: now celebrating five years of RUGGED YET WISPY HAIR.

8. David Cook: STILL WEARING VESTS AND CROSSES IN 2013.

9. I almost forgot why the finale of Idol is so exciting. Because it means the start of So You Think You Can Dance is here.

10. Will.I.Am performs a songless, brain-stabbing non-song called “Bang Bang.” His voice sounds 100% electronically altered, which reminds me what I love about The Black Eyed Peas: They always sound so easy to electrocute.

11. “Baz Luhrmann‘s The Great Gatsby” is a pretentious way of saying, “Tim Burton‘s Gossip Girl.”

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