Urgent: Is Angie Miller the rumored “crazy” cast member?
1. I’m starting off with some beautiful sh*t-stirring! Apparently Lazaro Arbos gave an interview in which he said, really pettily, “I’m not gonna say names and I don’t wanna sound rude, but I think that one woman in particular [in the competition] is crazy and she wants to win! She thinks that we’re in ‘The Hunger Games‘ and she’s fighting for her life.” That’s such a low thing to say. I can’t believe he said it. And… he’s got to be talking about Angie, right? Her response to his quote was, “It stinks that people are saying that, because probably all of it is lies. But it doesn’t affect me. We all get along great so that doesn’t affect me.” She couldn’t even say his name. Anyway. District 12, represent.
2. Nicki Minaj‘s blonde wig tonight is the Girl With the Dragon Tattoo Incognito special.
3. Candice, Kree, Angie, and Amber sing “Girl on Fire” for tonight’s performance. How many times have I gagged about Alicia Keys‘ songwriting before? It doesn’t matter. Because I’m about to do it again. “Girl on Fire” is arguably the most banal set of lyrics she’s ever written, barely beating out “Fallin’,” “If I Ain’t Got You,” and “No One.” The only awesome thing Alicia Keys ever did was “Gangsta Lovin'” with Eve, and her part of the song was lifted from Yarbrough & Peoples “Don’t Stop the Music.” There.
4. The Ford Fiesta commercial was the creepiest yet. The girls drive around trying to get to Ryan Seacrest, except he’s so busy that they can’t find him! Then, climactically, four Seacrests appear at once. Just like in Revelation.
5. Back in the studio, Seacrest made the following joke after he arrived onstage “late” in a choreographed “funny” moment for our “entertainment”: “Sorry, I had to go polish Tom Bergeron‘s Emmy.” Ugh, see. Why does Seacrest joke. I’ll be the first to say that Ryan Seacrest truly deserves an Emmy for hosting Idol, but this slight dig/joke at Emmy winner Tom Bergeron is… mostly ineffective coming from his accidentally snide mouth, not to mention too clever by half for the Idol audience. Also: Bergeron rules, and I’m not kidding. Funnier and smarter than everyone in his field, namely zillion-time Emmy winner Jeff Probst.
6. More time-wasting: In prepackaged interview segments, the girls are challenged to name five interesting things about themselves in under 20 seconds. This is very hard for Angie Miller, which we understand. Glamorous Amber nails it, and even comes up with a sixth item (“My septum is pierced!”) to rub it in. WHIMSY. CHARM. WATLEY OUTFITS. AMBER.
7. Jimmy Iovine mocks Amber’s song choice of “MacArthur Park,” calling it lyrical nonsense. Jimmy, that’s what makes it perfect. I doooon’t thiiiink that you can taaaaake it. What he should really be mocking is Amber’s performance, one of her worst to date.
8. However, Jimmy is right that Kree really screwed up by choosing “A Whiter Shade of Pale.” Come on, one-hit wonders are supposed to be fun. Was Shannon‘s “Let the Music Play” unavailable?
9. Season 10 hopeful Stefano Langone performed his tepid new song. He is a sleazeball lady-hungry narcissist but really wears that handle well. Unlike shirts. Lose the shirts, Stefano.
10. I would describe Stefano as Chachi 2013. A little buffer, a little slicker, same slickster entitlement. Slap him around, Henry Winkler.