“America’s Next Top Model: All-Stars” Recap: Making Dollars Out of Scents

Well we made it everybody! We’re finally in the home stretch of this cycle and it couldn’t have come soon enough. As we start tonight’s show Lisa is upset about Bre leaving but also adds that Bianca doesn’t have a bodyguard anymore.

Alexandria, looking the least fierce I’ve ever seen her, reminds us that the judges knocked her picture for looking like “a reality TV star” and I’m reminded what a joke that is considering the fact that they are on a reality TV show. They — Tyra included — need to get over themselves and probably shouldn’t use that as a way to cut the contestants down, particularly considering who their guest judges have been so far.

Shannon says she thinks the judges want more raunch from her. I think she just needs to stop being boring.

Bianca is pissed that the house is full of cliques because now she doesn’t have someone to back up all the whack crap that comes out of her mouth. Seriously, she seems to get into fights with people over pretty much anything. A couple weeks ago she had a problem with Shannon’s phone lineup and this week she’s having a problem with Alexandria getting in the shower before her. Where is that crazy bitch Susan Powter to stop the damn insanity?

I just remembered seeing Tyra tweeting about the models creating their own scents in tonight’s episode. I hope some of them can come up with something strong enough to cover up the smell of desperation, venom and hair glue for their weaves.

TYRAmail comes and the girls start to get ready. In one room, they decide to critique each other and Bianca tells Kayla she’s a really great model but has no personality that translates to everyone. The gloves are off, so Kayla tells Bianca that while she’s memorable, she’s also a bitch and bitches never win. Bianca doesn’t get it and asks, “In whose world?” In the real world, honey. Come back down here.

Kayla fears that while she’s an All-Star, she’s just not sticking out enough. I can tell her with no hesitation, she should definitely be worrying about that because while “I’m a lesbian” is awesome and I appreciate her being out and proud, it’s not the phrase that pays.

When the ladies arrive at the challenge destination, judge Nigel Barker greets them and tells them they’ll be creating their own scents. Has anyone else noticed that Nigel has been showing up a lot more this cycle than any other? I wonder why that is.

The contestants are introduced to Ben Bennett, a fragrance guru or something, who is there to help them blend a fragrance using various scents displayed in front of them. The girls are super excited and ready to play the — say it with me now in barely a whisper — “Whiiiiite Diiiiamonds” fragrance-making game.

Lisa decides her scent is going to be fun and beachy to remind people of California. My mixture prediction: Sun tan lotion mixed with leftover citrus cocktail garnish.

Sweet Southern Laura wants to be sassy and sexy. My mixture prediction: Sweet Baby Ray’s BBQ sauce mixed with lavender and honey.

Dominique is a tough one since her brand is “Survivor.” How does one really smell like a survivor without a little musk? My mixture prediction: Filet mignon, snow peas and cherry blossoms.

Shannon chose tiger lily and pear blossom, which Ben warns her: Both represent “pure.” My prediction: Well we know the smells but it’s going to be a snoozefest to the nose. She calls it “Smitten” and Lisa calls it, “Selling herself short.”

Angelea names her fragrance “Angelea.” I suppose that’s about as real as it gets. I couldn’t make out what they said was in it but I’d like to assume it was hot dog cart water, Courvoisier and glitter.

My girl Allison knows how to spice things up. She named her fragrance “Honey Blood.” They didn’t say what was in it but I’m certain there are some ashes of at least one or two Sookie Stackhouse novels in there somewhere.

Kayla goes next and says that while her brand is “Free” it is because she is now “free from her story” and has “grown from her story.” Prediction: One part vanilla and two parts bottled tears from after her first Pride Parade. But wait, there’s a secret ingredient brought in at the last minute! I didn’t realize she grew up without a bed until she was a teenager. Prediction: Ginger is in there somewhere because a little bit packs a punch and bring a “whole lot of something from a whole lot of nothing.” If I’m right about this, somebody please tell the ginger farmers of America that they’ve got a new ad copywriter right here.

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