Ask JT! Is It Time to Break Up With My On-Again-Off-Again Boyfriend?

Ask JT Advice Column

Hey JT!

I’m a gay dude who’s been dating a guy on and off for about two years. We’re both in our late 20’s and here’s our relationship in a nutshell …

We meet on Grindr and hook up right away. I figure that was it, but then he calls and wants to meet up again, so we do. Things escalate and then we’re a couple. Three months in, he breaks up with me because he doesn’t see himself as a relationship guy. Fine, whatever. Two months later, he tells me he misses me and wants to give it another shot. I agree, and things are great for a few more months, and then he cheats on me, so I dump him. He grovels and begs forgiveness for a few more months during which I date other guys, but I eventually take him back. The last year has been mostly okay, except for a few small fights and one big one that broke us up for two weeks – he didn’t cheat on me, but was heavily flirting with other guys online – but that’s all settled now.

My friends tell me I should move on, that on-off relationships never work, and that I’m wasting my time. What do you think?

Pondering A Breakup

I’d need a lot more to go on before advising you one way or the other, PAB, but I will say your beau has shown you a very clear pattern. Remember when he told you he wasn’t a relationship guy? It sounds like he’s trying his best to prove this to you … while still keeping you around.

Why would someone behave in such a bizarre, contradictory way? The answer is that you, my friend, have been dating a Brian Kinney.” For those who never watched Queer as Folk, a Brian Kinney (or to our British friends, a “Stuart Jones”) is a popular breed of gay man who doesn’t want to feel alone, and so he tries to be in a relationship, and yet he can’t fight his strong urges to work his way through a throng of naked hotties like a human centipede.

Now, is this totally damning? Not necessarily. It could be that your guy really does want to be with you and has slipped up a few times. It’s up to you to decide how many chances he gets. But just between you and me, the fact that he cheated on you, dealt with the pain of losing you, and following your reunion flirted with several different dudes is a pretty clear indicator of how he’ll continue to behave.

Obviously there’s something about this guy that you find appealing, as you forgave him for cheating and possibly-attempted-cheating. If it would be something you’re amenable to, have a discussion with him – a mature, quiet, reasonable discussion without breakdowns or melodrama – about maybe opening up your relationship to accommodate the occasional threesome. That way it’s not cheating, since you’re playing together with a third party, but he – and you, bee tee dubs – still get to dabble with another person’s junk for a night.

Hey JT,

So, I have a problem. I’m an out, proud gay man in my 30’s, and I’ve never held a relationship for more than a few months. The reason is I’ve never found a guy I’m that into, because I have a very particular type. I’m into hippies. Peace-loving, Grateful-Dead-listening, long-haired hippies. The problem is I’ve never found a gay hippie. Granted, I live in kind of a conservative area, so I’ve given up hope of finding a gay hippie around here. But even when I’m online, all I see in the “gay world” are manicured, well-dressed guys who look like Kellan Lutz! Do gay hippies exist? And where can I find them?

Desperately Seeking Hippies in Georgia

Wow, that’s a new one.

Well, DSHIG, you have an uphill battle ahead of you, because these days hippies tend to be few and far between in general, making gay hippies a very specific niche.

And it’s true: a lot of gay culture (at least the most public face of gay culture) has a focus on smooth lines and impeccable grooming, and maybe not so much on long, tangled hair and bellbottoms.

But I also believe that for every desire, there exists a person to fulfill it.

After a cursory search online, I actually couldn’t find anything for gay hippies in Georgia, but there are several groups for gay outdoors-y people, so that’s a start.

Another path is you could find hippie groups and fall in with them, and sniff around to see if there are some gay dudes among them.

Beyond that, the one sure way to find gay hippie guys? Hit up Burning Man.

And hey, if anyone reading has any insight into this I don’t, feel free to share it in the comments.

Hey JT,

I need advice on my Halloween costume! Last year, I saw all these hot guys at a gay bar Halloween party and determined to get a body like theirs. So over the past year I worked out like crazy and now have a body I’m ready to show off. I just need tips on which slutty look I should rock! Any help would be much appreciated.

Former Fattie Current Hottie

Well, first of all, congratulations on your hard work paying off, FFCH. And what better way to celebrate the care, discipline, and nurturing you’ve shown your body than by flashing it around town like a cheap whore, amiright?

Seriously, though, baring your chiseled bod is a very important social responsibility for gay men on Halloween, so let’s see what suggestions I can come up with. Off the top of my head: Slutty Fireman, Slutty Construction Worker, Slutty Cop, Slutty Pope, Slutty Soldier, Slutty Angel, Slutty Devil, and Slutty Batman.

Basically, just take the headgear commonly associated with these archetypes (in the angel’s case, a halo), then find a pair of matching Speedos and boots. And oh, my god, send me a picture if you decide to do Batman. That would fulfill about ten different fantasies.

Anyway, those are suggestions. Anyone else?

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