I’m a 20-year-old female college student who just got out of a terrible five-month-long relationship. Looking back, I can’t figure out why I stayed with the guy so long – he was emotionally abusive, cruel, and constantly insulted how I looked, my weight, what I wore, etc. He was the worst.
He was also my first boyfriend, so I guess I stayed because I didn’t know any better. But after my friends caught me crying one too many times, they gave me an intervention, and I realized they were right, so I ended it. He told me I was never going to find anyone else, and that was the last communication we’ve had.
The problem is I feel like crap all the time now. The comments he made about my appearance were totally out of line, but they still hurt, and now I have no confidence in the way I look or how I rate as a potential girlfriend. I guess what it boils down to is this: how do I get my groove back?
Not Quite Stella
Well, first let me congratulate you on taking control of your own love life and cutting Major Tool out of it. You made a choice to become your own hero, and you did it. That’s not easy, so take heart: you’re pretty awesome.
Also, everyone, take note: a lot of us put up with an unbelievable amount of abuse, because asshats like NQS’s ex here are usually really good at manipulation. First, they present only the sweetest face. Then, subtly, slowly, little insults creep in. The whole process is so nuanced and underplayed that you don’t even realize when snarky little jabs become full-on emotional assaults.
You clearly have good friends, NSQ. Be grateful for that. But even a fantastic circle of friends can’t entirely undo the trauma your ex caused. So how do you move on?
Remember how I congratulated you in the beginning of my answer? That’s all well and good, but I’m a stranger. The first thing you should do is congratulate yourself on being strong enough to do what you did.
Then, remember, he said the things he did because he’s a bad person. They didn’t come from a genuine place. They came from a place of cruelty and the desire to control you. They have no merit, so don’t allow them to.
A great resource is always to speak with a therapist or counselor – someone who doesn’t know you or your ex, and can give you an unbiased, third-party opinion. If you feel uncomfortable at that thought, as some do, that’s okay. For now, talk to your friends. They’re clearly there for you, as they staged an intervention. That was their invitation to you to lean on them.
Another great thing to do – and I know this sounds cheesy – but celebrate yourself. You’re a special, unique, amazing person, but you’ve been told just the opposite for five months. Reclaim the awesomeness that is you. Do the activities you enjoy but he hated. Hang out with the people he didn’t like hanging out with. Everything you like that he made you feel self-conscious about – do that stuff! Remind yourself how awesome it is to be you.
Finally, this may seem obvious, but it needs to be said: cut him off. Block him on Facebook, and block his number on your cell phone. He is persona non grata in your life, because you have a very strict “No D-bags” policy. Guys like him have a habit of trying to weasel their way back into your life simply so they can cause more damage: build up a blockade and don’t let him through.
I have kind of a small issue. Seriously. My issue is that I’m small.
I’m in my mid-20’s and don’t have a lot of sexual experience, mostly because the few guys I have hooked up with have all been bigger than me, and it really kind of shattered any semblance of self-consciousness I have about my johnson. Whenever I’m at the gym, I keep a towel wrapped around me when I change my underwear, and don’t let anyone see me naked ever. It’s just too embarrassing.
Now there’s a guy at my job I really like, and he’s out, we have great chemistry, and I want so badly to ask him out, but I’m terrified about the thought of getting naked with him. I’ve never been able to talk to friends about this, because then I’d be outing myself as being small. Every woman I’ve ever talked to about it has always said that size really does matter to them. Is that true for gay guys, too?
Ah, questions about penis size. Keeping advice columnists in business since … ever.
I’m not gonna lie, SC. There are jerkwads in the world who will stop at nothing to put you down, and usually the easiest shot a jerkwad can take is to attack something about one’s physical appearance (see the question above). With guys, our culture is so wired to shine a spotlight on our junk that that’s usually the first target.
I remember a girl I went to college with, who always dated guys with huge dongs. Well, they had huge dongs while she was dating them and things were going well, that is. But once they pissed her off or fell out of favor? Somehow, their wangs magically transmogrified into small, shameful examples of male impotency.
Needless to say, she was, in fact, an unimaginative jerkwad.
Here’s the thing. Dicks come in all shapes and sizes, and I think a big reason for your discomfort is your lack of exposure. As you’ve said yourself, you only had a few intimate encounters, so you haven’t yet seen the wide variety of dongage that’s out there. Right now, you’re psyching yourself out, and that’s no way to live.
I guess I should also point out that porn is probably a contributing factor to your feelings of inferior size, because all porn takes place in an alternate universe where every guy is very well-endowed. So if you’re comparing yourself to the guys in those movies, by God, knock it off.
But we’re getting a little off track. You ask, specifically, does size matter to gay men?
People will always have their preferences about what they prefer physically in their partners. Gay men are just the same as any other demographic: results may vary. Some guys are size queens. Some couldn’t care less. If I were you, I’d take all that energy you’re wasting thinking about your size and pour it into polishing all your other attributes that make you awesome. That’s a lot more productive and will instill in you a sense of confidence, and believe me, the size of your confidence, at the end of the day, is way more important and vital to scoring with dudes than anything as pedestrian as the size of what’s under your towel.
And just because I think this is a real hoot, you know the ancient Greeks? The society that essentially gave us our western world and was the center of all things artistic and beautiful? Yeah, they were super into small packages. Aristophanes himself said the ideal man had “a gleaming chest, bright skin, broad shoulders, tiny tongue, strong buttocks, and a little prick.”
I’m planning a sexy-Halloween-costume/horror-movie-marathon party. Thanks to your column I know I’m going to be a sexy Batman (I’ll send you a pic, I promise!) I’m planning on having different movies playing in three different rooms, so there will be a lot of movies in the rotation and I’m looking for tips on what to play!
Halloween Sexy Time
Oh, I shiver with antici … pation for that pic, HST! In the meantime, let’s get rollin’ on the horror films to play at what sounds like an awesome party.
I previously advised another movie marathoner to play Hellbent, the first gay slasher movie, and Trick’R’Treat, a great, eerie, imaginative anthology film tied together by one spooky-ass pumpkin-headed child. Those are both great films and I heartily recommend them.
As for other good horror movies? Well, I’m no Brian Jeurgens, but I have been known to enjoy horror, so I’d suggest the original Scream (of course), Evil Dead 2, The Exorcist, The Shining, The Wicker Man (the original … good God, do not watch the remake), Rosemary’s Baby, Alien, Paranormal Activity, and my favorite, the original Halloween.
If you want to mix it up and add some laughs, I’d throw in Cabin in the Woods, Army of Darkness, Tucker & Dale vs. Evil, Bubba Ho-Tep, and the ultimate: Shaun of the Dead.
Hope you have a blast, HST!