Ask JT! My Best Friend’s Not Okay With His Sexuality. What Do I Do?

Your friendly neighborhood bartender is taking a break from his wild dating life to tackle your questions with his patented blend of advice and adult beverages. So slide on up to the bar my friends. Now, what can I get you?


Dear JT,

Over the summer my best friend told me that he’s bi. I’m a bi girl (with a girlfriend I adore) so I was completely supportive and happy for him. He told me the reason he didn’t tell me until a year after he told other people is because I am so proud and out that it intimidates him, and he likes girls and wants to have the stereotypically perfect family.

He immediately refused to watch My Best Friend’s Wedding like we had planned (by his suggestion not mine, I might add) because suddenly it made him feel uncomfortable. We haven’t talked about it since and I’m worried about him. He has these spells where he gets really sad. He never dates even though he is a really nice, fairly handsome guy. I feel really guilty every time people ask me if he likes guys and I lie to them because I would never, ever, out him.

He’s my best friend no matter what, I don’t care if he only ever wants to date girls or guys or no one, as long as that is what he wants. I just want him to be happy and not to feel like he has to hide. He was completely there for me when I came out and countless other times. I want to be there for him too, but I don’t know how.

What should I do? Should I try talking to him about it again?

Worried Best Friend

Before I get to your question, WBF, I want to apologize for my absence last week. I was being crushed under the weight of God’s wrath made manifest in the form of Hurricane Sandy, a.k.a. Frankenstorm, a.k.a. The Greatest Sh*t Show on Earth. Though my neighborhood made it through mostly unscathed, others were not so lucky, including my mother whose house is on the Jersey Shore.


The storm was, of course, drawn there by the gravitational pull of Snooki’s ‘do.

And at this very minute as I type these sexy, sexy words, Winter Storm Athena is pounding away at my window like James Deen on speed. (That wasn’t a typo. Look him up.) Needless to say, the next person who politely inquires about the weather is getting a minimum of three taint-punches. (Did I mention I had to move between storms?)

If you have the means, please consider donating time and/or dinero to relief programs like the Red Cross. Two nights ago we were reminded that this country is at its best when we pull together and help each other out. Let’s keep the good karma going.

Okay, WBF, let’s get down to brass tacks. It sounds like your friend is still going through the process of his coming out. I love that you’re out, proud, and fearless, but some people – like your friend, it sounds like – have a lot more difficulty with accepting who they are. Sometimes it takes a lot of work.

There’s a multitude of reasons for this, and a giant-ass whopper for a lot of people is the idea of giving up the sarcastic-quote-sarcastic-unquote traditional family, i.e. the kind you’d see on a 50’s sitcom. This must be especially hard for bisexual people. If you’re gay, that door is closed and you learn to accept it and adjust your ideal life. If you’re bi, that option is still on the table. This is one of the reasons, I suspect, that many gay people initially come out as bi before going all the way gay. They’re not ready to surrender that dream.

His sudden reluctance to watch My Best Friend’s Wedding might be a symptom of this, seeing as how that movie is entirely based on a heterosexual relationship while the gay best friend (played by the oh-so-used-to-be-charming Rupert Everett) looks on from the sidelines, casting out bitchy quips and ending up with exactly nobody.

My advice to you would be to keep doing exactly what you’re doing. You’re obviously a great friend who loves and supports him. I’m thinking you’re exactly what he needs. Pull back from topics that might be a little touchy for a while – dating, definitions of sexuality – unless he brings them up, and then continue to be the sympathetic ear you’re clearly being.

And congrats on being a good human, WBF. We could all use a friend like you.


Hey JT,

I’m a straight girl in her early 20’s who got out of her first real relationship about two months ago. My ex (let’s call him Kevin) is not a bad guy, although in retrospect I realize he was kind of emotionally manipulative during our relationship.

Anyway, he dumped me, even though I wanted to try and work things out. The problem is we still have a lot of friends in common, so I feel like I can never have a clean break. Every time I start to feel okay with being apart, he’ll text me and imply he wants to try to work things out. This leads to us sleeping together, and then the next day he’s back to saying it’s for the best that we broke up.

What do I do??

Lost

For one thing, L, you need to stop sleeping with him. I know it’s a comfort, but it’s far more destructive than good.

He’s playing you with those texts. He doesn’t want to try to work things out. He’s lonely and wants to have sex, and he’s victimizing you emotionally.

I want you to read something I wrote about my first real ex, Gimli. Not because I’m a shameless self-promoter, but because there are some clear parallels. Also because I’m a shameless self-promoter.

Like Kevin, Gimli would call me when he sensed I was starting to be okay on my own and arrange a booty call, just because it made him feel powerful. Don’t let Kevin do that to you.

Breakups are hard. They’re the most sucktastic of all things sucktacular. They’re also a part of life, and the best way to get through them – especially when you’re dealing with a manipulative d-bag like your ex – is to put as much distance between you and him as possible. It takes a lot of time to get over a relationship, but you will get over it.

And then he’ll have no power over you, and that’s the best revenge.

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