Trapped in the Closet, Relationship Woes and Sexiest Superhero Costume?

Ask JT Advice Column

JT,

I am 27 and in the closet. I’m in med school right now and I have really no social life. I feel completely alone because almost all of my friends have drifted away from me. Also, I have not been in a relationship since I was 22 and that was with a girl.

I feel like I have missed out on so much and wasted my youth because I am in the closet. I want to meet friends who are gay because when I did have friends they were all straight guys. Most importantly I want to meet someone who I could connect with emotionally and physically.  

I’m scared to come out, even though I know my family would be supportive, so any advice that wouldn’t require me to jump out of the closet would be awesome. However, I keep telling myself if I met the right guy that I would gladly come out for them. So, how can I find gay friends, boyfriends, or even a hook up at this point in my life?

Thanks,

Dr. Lonely

If you’re really looking for advice that doesn’t include coming out, then I’m afraid I’ve failed you, Doc. Because that’s exactly what I’d prescribe for you. (See what I did there?)

You seem like you’re torn in a lot of directions. You’re lonely because your friends have drifted away, and now you want gay friends but don’t want to come out. You want to meet someone special, someone who you could proudly show off to the world, but you don’t want to come out until you meet him. You know your family would be supportive, but you don’t want to come out.

In your exact words : “I feel like I have missed out on so much and wasted my youth because I am in the closet.”

And you don’t want to come out.

Look, everyone has to come out on their own schedule. It’s easier for some than others. But let me tell you something, Doc. It’s often the case that the one thing that could fix a lot of our problems is the one thing we don’t do. People have a tendency to sabotage themselves without even realizing it.

I know it’s scary. I know it’s a big change. But I can think of a million reasons why you should come out and none why you shouldn’t. You’ve got a lot going for you. You’ve got a supportive family. You’re going to be a doctor. And you’re young. Yes, dude, I can safely say that at 27 you haven’t yet wasted your youth.

You say you want to meet gay friends? I’d say go online and find a group for gay men of mutual interest (and that could be any interest) and give it a shot. But if you’re not out, there’s going to be a lot of confused gay dudes wondering who this quiet new “straight” guy is.

And as for that dream man you long to wrap your arms around? He’ll be a lot more likely to be interested in you if he sees a confident, brave guy who knows who he is and is proud of that. People, pretty much universally, are attracted to confidence. If you’re keeping your head down and waiting to meet a guy who miraculously causes you to come out, you’re going to let a lot of real quality guys pass you by.

I’m not saying you should do something you’re not ready to do. But if I were you, I’d give it a lot of thought.

 

Hi JT,

I’m a 21-year-old male and I’m currently in my very first relationship with another guy. Trouble is, I’m not so sure if it’s working out or not. We’ve been together for a few months now and it’s becoming extremely obvious to me that things have changed. In the beginning things were awesome, but now we just seem so different that I find myself getting offended by things he does or says. I’m sure the same can be said of him when it comes to me. But is this just the struggles of being in a relationship?

I’ve never been surrounded by people in healthy relationships and I’m trying to lose some of the negativity that’s been in my past. So I want to make sure that I’m trying my best to be open and challenge myself to see past my default urge to run when things get a little bit negative or chaotic. I mean, it’s not like every aspect of our relationship is troubled. I just can’t figure out for the life of me if this is it – if a relationship is just about dealing with the baggage for fleeting moments of happiness and that anything other is just the unrealistic Hollywood dream.

Best,

Confused Soul

Unfortunately, you’ve learned an ugly truth, and at 21, no less. Every relationship you see is a facade, a pair of people who can’t secretly stand each other but white-knuckle their way through their shared lives in the hope of a little spark of the happiness they felt in the beginning.

Nah, I’m just yankin’ your balls.

Okay, seriously, now.

Believe it or not, CS, my advice to you completely hinges on just one word you used, and this is definitely a case where semantics matter. You say the things he does often “offend” you. What I would advise rests almost entirely on the true weight of just how deep those offenses go.

If the offense is mild, and could more aptly be described as annoyance or irritation, then my answer is this: yes, that is part of being in a relationship. What’s more, it’s part of being in a healthy relationship. When you spend a lot of time with another human being, it’s inevitable that eventually something someone does will irk the other. It can be as benign as singing along with the radio or flossing at the dinner table. No two people mesh 100 percent. It’s part of any relationship, really – roommates, siblings, etc.

But if the good outweighs the bad, most people get over that and don’t think of it as a “struggle” so much a fact of life. And when the relationship is good, most people barely even register their annoyance in the long run.

Now for answer number two.

If he is saying things that hurt you, that are critical, that seem to come from a place of negativity or cruelty on his part – in short, if the things he’s saying or doing are <i>intentionally</i> offensive – then no, that’s not part of a normal, functional relationship. The person you’re with should be a constant source of comfort and support, not someone who causes you to need comfort and support. It’s amazing and sad how many people get that equation wrong.

Hey JT!

This is kind of an esoteric question, so forgive me. But I think you can help me out.

So, I’m a fashion designer (in training) at FIT, and I want to do my next project based on superhero costumes. That got me thinking. There have obviously been a lot of superhero movies in the past decade or so. What costume do you think was the sexiest/most fashion forward?

Future Anna Wintour

Wowza.

There have been a lot of sexy superhero costumes for the big screen, but they go further than the past decade. I remember being a kid in the 90’s and watching reruns of the 1960’s Batman show, and being very confused and titillated by Yvonne Craig’s Batgirl.

Whatever, you don’t know me!

Since then, the Bat-family has, in my humble opinion, held the torch for sexiest on-screen heroes. While I felt my spider-sense tingling by Andrew Garfield’s skin-tight outfit and was none-too-displeased by Chris Hemsworth’s biceps in his Thor armour, I think — and remember, this is just my opinion! — the sexiest male superhero outfit is from that otherwise god-awful schlockfest, Batman and Robin, and is none other than the Grecian-statue-inspired costume for Robin, rubber nipples and all. (And the fact that 1997′s Chris O’Donnell is easy on the eyes ain’t hurtin’ nothin’, either.)

To ask JT a question, email him at jtadvicecolumn@gmail.com. Or you can be super tech-sexy and ask via Twitter. Messages may be edited for space (but they’re totally more likely to get chosen if they’re three paragraphs or less. Just sayin’.)

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