Some movies you just want to punch in the face.
There’s a big difference between a movie you don’t care for and a movie that is truly appalling.
You forget the movies you don’t care for. You never forget the ones you actively despise.
Some you see coming from a mile away (Oh look, its Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters. Hi. How ya doin’?) while others sneak in and, with the help of a great trailer or a normally reliable star, fool you into thinking it might be worthwhile.
So with the Oscar race taking a holiday pause, I thought we’d take a break ourselves from talking about the really good films of the year. Instead, let’s spend some time punching five of 2012’s most excruciatingly poor films in their smug, entitled pie-holes. Sounds fun to me. Be advised, there are spoilers ahead.
We’ll begin with a few films that just missed my top five but deserve dishonerable mention.
Act of Valor: If you want to honor the Navy Seals in a movie by casting real Navy Seals in it, perhaps you should consider teaching them to, you know, act so they don’t completely embarrass themselves.
Everything and Everyone: I would feel guilty putting this on the main list considering it’s a totally unheralded independent film making the festival circuit rounds. But make no mistake, this movie should be called Everything and Everyone Sucks.
Dark Shadows: Tim Burton and Johnny Depp quirk their way through yet another pointless, story-less movie that seems to have been art directed to within an inch of its sad, little life.
Anna Karenina: Keira Knightley‘s lip quivers manically throughout a stylish but, ultimately, brainless example of how not to make a period film. When your set design is the best thing about it, that isn’t a good thing. And Jude Law’s make-up is unforgivable.
Paranormal Activity 4: For the love of all that is holy, just stop. Stop. Making. The. Same. Film. Over. And. Over. Again. Seriously, the well is dry… you’ve made enough money. Now stop.
The Vow/The Lucky One: I swear I can’t tell these two movies apart. They were both terribly romantic. No, sorry. I meant to say they were both just plain terrible.
Everything starring Tyler Perry: Wow… just wow.
Next Page! The five worst movies of 2012. In no particular disorder, I assure you…