Best. Gay. Week. Ever. (July 03, 2009)

A TOTALLY SERIOUS, IN-DEPTH LOOK AT ABSOLUTELY ALL THE NEWS THIS WEEK

Gays aren’t responsible just for hurricanes, but for the bad economy as well. Bruno gets a high school principal sent to the superintendent’s office, and I cop to my part in the downfall of Governor Mark Sanford’s marriage. It was a nineteen year plot in the making!

Wingnut du jour, Oklahoma Representative Sally Kern, this week issued a resolution laying the United State’s economic woes at the feet of America’s sexual sins including the fact that America "…has become a world leader in promoting … same sex marriage…"

Far be it from me to contradict someone of Kern’s towering intellect, but when it comes to promoting same-sex marriage, the U.S. is sadly lagging behind numerous countries such as Belgium, Canada, Netherlands, Norway, Sweden, Spain and South Africa all of which have legalized gay marriage.

Then there are countries with national civil unions including the United Kingdom, Czech Republic, Denmark,
Finland,
France,
Germany and, well, you get my point. Given that Kerns has probably never left the U.S. and thinks Satan is waiting just across the border, I’m not surprised she doesn’t know anything about those "furin" countries.

Kerns then went on to say she personally blames Brothers & Sisters‘ Kevin and Scotty for that bloated feeling she gets after eating dairy and fears the return of Project Runway and Tim Gunn will cause her hemorrhoids to reappear.

Officials at Birmingham High School in Los Angeles found themselves in hot water this week over concerns the school’s principal and athletic director had allowed members of the football team to cavort in pictures with Sacha Baron Cohen for his photospread in GQ magazine. Said Superintendent Ramon C. Cortines, "We’ve allowed our students to be used, and not in the most glamorous circumstances, either."

Ramon then went on to add "We believe it’s much more wholesome for our boys to strap on armor and then smash into each other at full tilt, trying crush their opponents spirits and quite possibly break some bones at the same time. "

All kidding aside, I do have to wonder what officials were thinking letting students participate in this. While I appreciate their being openminded enough not to reject the idea because it was "gay", it seems inappropriate to put minors in something so suggestive that is going to get so much publicity whether it be with Cohen or Pamela Lee Anderson. 

I confess! I did it! I’m the one who ruined South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford‘s marriage! Bwa-ha-ha!

Last week I gave Gov. Sanford my #Fail of the Week for his hypocrisy in going after gay folks as threatening family values while he himself was off in South America canoodling with his own Eva Peron.

Now I feel I must come forward and confess my part in all of this. I met the future governor in 1990 when he and his wife cut me off at red light and called me a moron. Determined to exact my revenge, I decided the best way was to destroy his family. And the best way to do that was by becoming gay.

So in 1990, I came out, started attending gay pride marches, dressing better, and moved to the gay part of Seattle. 

Over the following nineteen years, every gay book I read, every gay movie I saw, and every instance of gay sex in which I engaged was done solely to destroy the sanctity of marriage — specifically Mark Sanford’s marriage. 

While I despaired at times, I persevered by watching even the worst gay programming, drinking fruity drinks and voting for the most liberal candidate at every opportunity. That’s why I felt almost unspeakable joy last week when Sanford was caught cheating and I knew my quest had been fulfilled.

Now that I’ve achieved that nearly twenty year in the making dream, it’s time move. I’m coming out as straight, in love with Megan Fox and announcing I’ve been hired as the editor of Maxim. It’s been my pleasure editing this site for all of you fine queers and I wish you the best of luck in your quest to continue destroying heterosexual marriage.

Except mine and Megan’s, of course.

Next page! If you don’t want vote in the Asshat Smackdown, why not head on to page four to see who won the Battle of the Network Gays?

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