“Big Brother” Recap: Face It, This Is The Best (Worst) Season Ever

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To quote the ravishing gay redhead Andy, who didn’t say much else during Tuesday’s episode of Big Brother: “Congratulations, David. You’re an idiot.”

And congrats to us at home for the same reason. The BB15 house is full of racists, homophobes, misogynists, idiots, creeps, freaks, and crybabies (not to mention a perfect aforementioned redhead), and you know what that means: This is a really, really watchable season. I’m not proud of it, but who’s ever been proud of lapping up Big Brother? This show is basically a Sims expansion pack called “Community College Dropouts Edition.” It is the same old brain dead animal carcass it’s always been, except this time it’s a freshly terrible carcass — with a little extra spice in the form of hottie Nick. Nom nom nom, carcass flavors, nom nom.

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McCrae narrated most of Tuesday night’s veto competition episode, and he’s a trustworthy voice. I don’t know how well he’ll fare in the game when he’s not HOH, but for now he’s wielding a lot of power well. I’m already begging for the episode where he cuts off his mane and reveals himself to be gorgeous and kingly. I’m done with the “Santeria” singalong hair.

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He still looks like Kara Janx from Project Runway season 2, by the way. Wow.

Question for those who can stand to be interested:

01 Jessie nom

How can one person be so inconsequential and so insufferable? There is not a single redeeming element about Jessie. She has brown hair? She uses complete sentences? She wore a layer last night? She stops talking sometimes? Barely? Ugh, poor Andy.

02 candice crying

Candice is only a minor scab, but she bleeds anew every time she mentions “Candi-Land.” Shiver. She always brings it up in a “sassy” voice during her confessional, since Candi-Land is where Candice “comes from,” y’know. I wonder if it’s like the other Candy Land. Because now I’m picturing Candice living in a crappy duplex in the Molasses Swamp. Good for her!

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McCrae accidentally won the veto competition because his opponents are — remember? — dumber than is legal. It was one of the infamous spelling challenges (retrieve a letter from a kiddy pool of gunk, use a bunch to spell the longest word possible), and our crusaders got to show off how un-hooked on phonics they were. Jessie and Howard? Barely got away with spelling 7-letter-words. David? Didn’t spell anything, which is a first in the history of Big Brother and the history of spelling. Elissa thought she won the contest since she turned in a 9-letter-word, but it turns out “POTROASTS” is not a word. Get this: It’s two words. WHAT? YOU MEAN OUR MOMS CAN MAKE TWO-WORD FOODZ? Hot dog! Ugh, I mean hotdog, sorry.

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At episode’s end, MVP Elissa (Ugh, Rachel’s ghost hangs in this house like Rebecca‘s) found herself on the chopping block, the replacement nominee for the saved Candice. This is a canny move on the part of McCrae, who realizes that with Elissa on the block, David — Elissa’s MVP nominee for eviction — won’t realize he’s the target of the house’s main alliance. He’ll think Elissa is going home. But that’s the problem. David thinking.

 

14 nominees

I’d prefer Jessie go home, but any of these three could be poisoned and maimed in front of me and I’d sleep better afterwards. At least David is entertaining in a Highlights Magazine way. Sort of bummed to think he’s almost certainly gone, even if his interview with Julie will be priceless. Did I say priceless? I meant apocalyptically dumb. The Big Brother standard.

P.S. Addicted to Jokers. It’s my first time. Bye, humanity!

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