When I sat down to watch Big Brother‘s 15th season finale, I forgot that I’d be in for an absurd, deeply ironic comedy. Because guess what? The idea that either GinaMarie or Spencer would somehow win this season over Andy, who successfully avoided the wrath of simpering homophobes and caterwauling Gorgons while using all of those people to his advantage, is downright laughable. And yet, there was a chance we’d see just that.
In the final multi-part competition, GinaMarie qualified to be the final HOH in a wacky roller disco challenge as she ably decimated knock-kneed foes Andy and Spencer. They were so bad, their constant bobbling and tripping actually looked like cool dancing. You almost wanted to yell, “WERQ” at Spencer until it was apparent he was just choking on vomit and falling down. Andy had a couple of moves that looked like neurotic vogueing. Turns out he was just flailing into a wall (while vogueing).
Thankfully, Andy won the second part of the HOH challenge — a timed wall-climbing event where he beat Spencer by roughly 15 months — and that meant Andy and GinaMarie were set to face off on Wednesday night’s episode for the chance to evict the last member of the glorious, beautiful, padded-walled Jury House. Shockingly, in a final duel that required memory and thinking skills, Andy won. He evicted Spencer, then sat with GinaMarie and argued to be the season’s victor to surprisingly reasonable jury. GinaMarie spoke to the jury too, sometimes even using words.
You see what I’m getting at?
Andy won Big Brother! In a 7-2 vote! Hooray for The Queer Quisling! He’s the first gay winner in the show’s history, and I’ve been arguing that he’s the one to beat for over a month now. There is a lot of internet fury about Andy’s win, and as I understand it, they do not like that he is “two-faced” and “a rat.” That’s actually code for “I wanted someone else to win, and Andy screwed that person over, and that person kind of liked it.” It’s also code for, “I am a horrible Big Brother fan,” because two-faced rattiness is what this horrifying show is all about. Andy was a stealthy, swift double agent who was constantly aware of the shifting dynamics in the house and where to place himself within them. Guess who wasn’t aware of those shifting dynamics? Nick. Amanda. Elissa. Helen. Every houseguest who play-acted as Janelle Pierzina, constantly reminding us of how strong they were. They weren’t.
There’s some similar weeping about the fact that Andy “said terrible things in the house.” OK, he said the C-word. That is a word I understand objecting to. Sure. And after Elissa left the house, he went on a mean verbal streak about her. But as #BB alum Ragan Fox noted in a great essay on Andy, Amanda tried slamming a door on Elissa’s head. Others blabbed in an unending racist diatribe for weeks. To decide that Andy’s behavior is the most offensive we’ve seen? Is ridiculous. And the people who complain about him are spewing just as many “crocodile tears” as they accuse Andy of shedding, except hilariously, they think they mean it.
Andy played his hand perfectly this game, cautiously manipulated every loose cannon in the house, executed each move successfully, and he knew it. That’s his biggest crime — not playing the game like a swaggering Dan Gheesling or a volatile chatterbox like Rachel Reilly, and knowing it could lead him to victory. (And by the way: Rachel Reilly only won her season because she hid behind Brendon, Jordan, AND Jeff. If you thought McCrae was a floater for letting Amanda shroud him — and you should think that! — you should extend similar skepticism towards The Magenta-Haired Menace.) It is bizarre that supposed Big Brother fans can’t grasp there are many different ways to play, particularly in a season that required maneuvering around furious blowhards who can’t stop yelling “J’accuse!” at the nearest person who objects to their bellowing.
Before I move on, my last magical reason for loving Andy is: He hates fans of Brenchel. Sigh. That’s what intelligence sounds like.
Now, let’s talk about the amazing panel of evicted houseguests and what we learned from them.