“Big Brother” Photo Recap: Idiots In Peril

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When we last left our frowning cellmates, legitimate grownwoman Helen had just nominated Aaryn and Kaitlin for eviction. The reason? She has this crazy notion to punish the house’s most awful, hideously stupid jackasses.

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“Being on the block is awkward. Nothing can prepare you for those stupid sympathy hugs that no one really wants to give you.”

If I were Kaitlin, I would take hugs in whatever flavor they were made available to me. Sympathetic, unsympathetic, grape, watermelon, blue, whatever. I wouldn’t hug this dame if she were wearing a Barney the Dinosaur suit. But speaking of prehistoric simpletons…

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“I pretty much knew that I was going to be nominated because I’ve been a straight shooter and because I have a strong personality, and the fact that I’m a strong competitor on top of all that? Puts a huge target on me.” 

“Strong personality” is a good candidate for euphemism of the century, because what she actually meant is “apparent manic xenophobia.” You’d think at this point she’d announce, “One of my main problems in this house is being a known racist. Hard to recover from that one. Any tips, America? Should I apologize to someone? Ooh, better idea: I’ll try wearing banana curls or something.”

Meanwhile, Spencer opens up to Helen about how Howard betrayed her and voted to evict Elissa last week.

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“Talking to Helen, I can tell that she’s very upset and very hurt.”

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“I’m crying a lot, but I’m using it as a strategy. I’m a mom. When I cry, my kids do what I want them to do. So here come the water works, Spencer.”

Maybe Helen isn’t the funniest or zaniest cast member in Big Brother history, but you have to admire her for playing a logical, yet manipulative game. She just wheedled Spencer The Mastodon into trusting her. Doesn’t he know he has magnificent tusks that could crush her? Enjoy extinction, Spence.

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