“Scandal” 3.04: “Say Hello to My Little Friend”


We open on Liv (Kerry Washington) kicking Ballard (Scott Foley) to the curb. The reason being that he wants to take down Daddy Command (Joe Morton) once and for all, whereas she prefers two of my own favorite coping mechanisms – binge drinking and willful ignorance.

Ballard reminds her that Daddy Command put him in The Hole, which is a TERRIBLE place. Like, the only coffee is decaf, the razors are all Mach 3 instead of Mach 4, and the only thing streaming on Netflix are science fiction movies based on Scientology. It will BREAK you!

Worse, though, is that Daddy Command pulled him out of The Hole every two days and brutalized him further, (ie. making him watch old episodes of Whitney), only to clean him up and throw him back in. So clearly he’s heartless.

Liv’s response to all this is basically sticking her fingers in her ears, all “La la la. I can’t hear you!” Then she kicks him out without a kiss goodbye, which is just harsh.

Fortunately, she has a nice new client to keep her busy. A Senator who was caught sexting a comely young lass, and gee I wonder which real-life person this could be based on? A lesser recapper than myself would use this opportunity to make crude Instagroin jokes here [WEINER! WEINER! WEINER!], but fortunately I’m more mature [WEINER!] than that.

Also, Weiner.

For dramatic TV purposes, the Senator here is also accused of murdering the sextee. Oh, and he’s got a loyal wife — let’s call her “Mrs. The Wife Did It,” because that’s exactly what I said the second I laid eyes on her. She’s played by Jan from The Office (Melora Hardin), and she’s good here too, mostly because she’s got this amazing political-wife up-do that’s so perfectly and tightly wound up in defiance of gravity that it could only have been achieved through extensive special effects.


Liv hosts a press conference with the two of them at her side, saying it was a “one time” mistake in judgment, repeating the phrase “one time” about 30 times. Which naturally leads to a trial sequence of one tearful young woman after another recounting the pervy sexts they received from Senator Sleaze, throwing around words like “butterfly” and “puppy” and coded references to labia. Although if this show had balls, it would have also had a young male intern thrown in the mix, tearfully referencing “gingham” and “stallion.”

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