I know what you’re thinking: FOX News? That’s for mistrustful great-grandfathers and mentally destitute house plants.
Well, not exclusively. Every once in a while, the rest of us need to check in on the current trends in Crazytown so that we don’t get bombarded by some new, insane family values, such as bowing in the presence of a middle son or dining boy-girl-boy-girl as God intended.
Watching FOX News may seem a burden, but it doesn’t have to be one. To quote Mary Poppins, as we all should daily, “In every job that must be done, there is an element of fun. You find the fun, and snap! The job’s a game.”
Playing a game is the only way to make this medicine go down. If you haven’t yet installed game show buzzers in your coffee table or, let’s be honest, overturned peach crate, then you’re already shirking your responsibilities, but a series of emptied staplers will suffice as stand-ins if necessary.
As you endure FOX News with your support group, award points for buzzing in during the following rounds:
Round 1: SchadenFOX
Following a major liberal victory like the DOMA/Prop 8 decisions, an Angela Lansbury public appearance, or the Obama reelection, take joy in the FOX commentators experiencing all the stages of grief in turn, and buzz in to identify each one. Steve Doocy looks like an elderly cockatoo that just swallowed a bag of Sour Patch Kids? Three points for denial! Karl Rove finally pops? Five points for anger! Random Aggressive Blonde Named Something Like McKyla sighs, shakes her head three times, and starts decrying immigration again? Ten points for acceptance!
Round 2: Apocalypse Freeze Frame
Quickly pause the DVR at the exact moment any of the anchors is so outraged at nothing (or the fundamental collapse of society, whichever) that he or she might be confused for an extra in a horror or disaster thriller who just saw the spaceship emerge from the sea. Earn three points for each pause and two points for correctly naming the associated movie. Some of them are straightforward (Sarah Palin – Twister, Bill O’Reilly – Dawn of the Dead), so be on the lookout for easy points. Score a bonus for deftly catching a fleck of anger spit in the freeze frame. Waterworld.
Round 3: Name That Preposterous Hair
This round will require a prop. Cover the lower two-thirds of the screen with a standard sheet of heavy-duty construction paper (dark color, non-transparent). Feel free to draw as many caricatures on the paper as you would like. Once it is securely in place, attempt to identify each anchor based solely on the Second Great Awakening revival tent she has situated strategically upon her scalp. For extra difficulty, expert players may elect to conduct this round with the male anchors’ calculatedly unremarkable standard gentleman’s cuts instead.
Round 4: Traditional Lightning Round
Pick a finite period of time (seven minutes is plenty) and buzz in each time the word traditional is used. One point will be awarded for each correct buzz, but competitors can rack up a whole slew of points by identifying the elusive victim triple where the word traditional is used three times to turn the speaker into a victim: “You know, I’m just a traditional person who behaves with traditional values and supports traditional marriage, but I guess the people have decided I’m not important in society anymore.” Oh, you poor dear. Also, twenty points. Boom.
At the end, tally your points and see if you can redeem them for one of these exciting prizes:
10-15 points – Ronald Reagan bobblehead
16-24 points – Solid gold bust of Ronald Reagan
25+ points – Framed painting of naked Ronald Reagan astride a steed made of muskets
Congratulations! You’re the winner.