Well hello, my Wildlings! Yes, our Crown Prince has heard your pleas and we will, indeed, be recapping the second season of HBO’s dragontastic Hair Opera Game of Thrones. You may know me from my liveblogs of As the World Turns or recaps of American Horror Story, the combination of which makes me uncannily well-suited for covering such a complex, melodramatic, and patently batsh*t series. And I am well-versed in the ins and outs (and ins and outs) of the series, so never fear – I will have no trouble keeping my Bannisters straight from my Targomuffins.
We didn’t recap the first episode, but I can sum it up in one animated GIF:
“YOU GET A KING! AND YOU GET A KING! AND YOU GET A KING!”
That’s right – since Gossip Girl Baratheon decided to spill the Lannisters’ sister-lovin’ beans via raven text, everyone has decided that Lady Alien/King Joffrey – being the child of luxurious blond incest and not the actual, you know, king – has no claim to the throne. So it’s a King Party all over Westeros!
Also: Dead babies, a Burning Man party with Carice van Houten, hungry dragons, and the worst Name Day wine bong EVER.
That first episode ended with a shot of Gendry, King Robert’s strapping young bastard blacksmith son, hopping into the back of a turnip cart with my favorite character on the show, Stark-in-Boots:
Let’s pick things up at Episode 2, shall we?
First off, you may have noticed that the opening credits have been different both episodes this season – first they introduced Dragonstone (which I think is an expensive countertop option at Lowes), and this episode they brought us a word that, because of the respect that we have for our sisters and sister-site, I will opt not to repeat.
Wait, sorry – scratch that. It’s Pyke. I should really wear my glasses when watching this show.
We join Arya (the adorably named Maisie Williams) at a spring that may be on the Shire backlot of the new Hobbit movie. She’s still sporting her pageboy cut and pretending to be a boy – someone has clearly seen the ’80s crossdressing classic Just One of the Guys on basic cable (we’ll know for sure if she develops an unexplained crush on Clayton Roehner). After loading up on sticks, she stops by a cage on wheels to chat with the fellas inside. I have no idea who they are, but one of them threatens to use some of the child’s timber to “f*ck you bloody”, so they’re TOTALLY not going to show up on any sex offender lists when they get to the Night’s Watch, nosiree.
One of the prisoners, however, is nice to her/him. He looks like this:
Suddenly a few fancypants fellas from King’s Landing show up and try to shake down Yoren (Francis Magee), the Night’s Watch caravan leader, but he isn’t having it – in fact, he sticks his knife (just sharpened so that he could “shave a spider’s ass” with it – a slogan that I can’t believe Gilette hasn’t thought of yet) in the dude’s crotch and threatens to turn him from an Almond Joy to a Mounds.
The guy turns tail, but not before shouting that he’s after Gendry, the blacksmith kid with the bull helmet – which is a surprise to Arya, who of course thought that they were after her. But WE know that they’re after handsome Gendry because he’s smokin’ hot the rightful heir to Baratheon’s throne.