“Game of Thrones”: Angry Birds

daario

This week the sisters were doing it for themselves – just don’t tell Cersei! She’ll cut you. Also: someone tell ToriAmosandre that leeches are only acceptable foreplay after the third date. Manners, girl!

Arya (Maisie Williams) awakens looking at a rock. She picks it up (revealing that she is seriously overdue for a mani) and hauls it over to where The Hound (Rory McCann) is sleeping. He tells her to go ahead – but if she doesn’t kill him, he’ll break both her paws.

Turns out The Hound is a great manny! He puts her on the horse with him, tries to feed her, and says that she’s lucky he has no interest in raping and killing her – and even reveals that he saved Sansa from a similar fate. Arya’s all, “GET. OUT.” He also tells her that he’s taking her to her mom and brother, not to King’s Landing. I’m loving these two – PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE can we have a spinoff that’s basically Curly Sue but instead of Jim Belushi it’s a fat dude with a deformed face and a brother who was way more famous than him?

Hound also tosses in a “F*ck Joffrey, f*ck the queen!” which I think actually IS a line from Curly Sue. In any case, he’s clearly changed his endgame.

Daenerys (Emilia Clarke), meanwhile, is spying on the rent-an-army who is currently protecting Yunkai since her not-so-hot meeting with Nestor Carbonell last week. Turns out they are known as the Second Sons, which sounds more like a folk band than an army, but whatever. Their captains – Mario, Wario, and Douchio – come to have audience with her, and Douchio wastes no time making enemies by making frequent references to her “c*nt” and generally behaving like the Westerian, jacked-up answer to Tucker Max. Unfortunately, he’s also INSANELY hot. (Ain’t that the way it always goes, ladies?) Wario looks like Nicholas Hoult wigged up for an as-yet-unplanned Fabio biopic – keep an eye on him.

Douchio asks to see Dany’s ladyparts, and she offers them booze instead. Welcome to Hooters! They refuse to break their contract with the Yunkai and after they leave she tells her fellas to kill the fratboy first.

Over in Dragonstone, ToriAmosandre (Carice van Houten) brings Gendry (Joe Dempsie) to Stannis (Stephen Dillane), who takes one look at him and confirms that yes, this kid is totally Robert’s blood. And Tori is totally going to kill him, but she treats him nicey-nice so as not to spook him and spoil the flavor of his lamb, or something.

Downstairs, Ser Davos (Liam Cunningham) is either teaching himself to read or recreating the scene from Goonies where Sloth asked Chunk for a Baby Ruth. Stannis visits to apologize for throwing him over for some magical chick, and Davos tells him that he’s really there because he knows he shouldn’t be letting Cornflake Girl kill off his nephew like that.

Back at Yunkai, the three fellas from Second Sons Security are discussing what to do about the whole invading army of unsullieds and dragon ladies and all that – at least, two of them are, while Douchio (Mark Killeen) just talks about his c*ck. Turns out Wario Daario (Ed Skrein) – Nicholas Holt as Fabio – doesn’t go for whores, and has dedicated his life to the pursuit of beauty. Good luck with that in the desert without any VO5 for that mane of yours. They draw a coin to see who will sneak into Dragon Lady’s tent to kill her, and Dario picks it.

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