Game of Thrones is back, and this week the show decided to introduce a new and creative form of torture. Move over, Rat Bucket! Take a knee, Whore Beatings! And sorry, Molten Gold Dothraki Bukkake (Dothrakikkake?), you’re SO 2011. Because the show’s favorite new cruelty is apparently BORING US TO DEATH.
Here we go!
That’s So (Many) Raven(s)!
In Winterfell, Theon’s bros dump out a few bushelsful of dead ravens – so that’s where lost texts go to die? Theon (Alfie Allen) seems satisfied, until his total nag of a sister Yara Sofia (Gemma Whelan) shows up with all her fancy horsies to tell him that about how badly he screwed up his babysitting gig with the Stark boys (Fail #1: Burning the kids to death. Fail #2: Letting them watch Don’t Trust the B in Apartment 23.).
They each may have a point to make, but I’m too distracted by the fact that it looks like Theon is wearing an all-denim ensemble (a “Pyke Tuxedo”?) to pay attention. Yara asks, “Are you the dumbest c*nt alive?” and tells Theon he was a terrible baby. I’m guessing that he forgets her birthday a lot.
Up North at the set of Happy Feet 3, Egret (Rose Leslie) delivers Jon Snow (Kit Harington) to The Lord of Bones, who is clearly a guy who could never find a friend to play He-Man with as a child:
By the power of Numbskull
Skeletor wants to gut Jon then and there, but Egret saves him by revealing that he’s the Ned Stark bastard. She tells Jon they’re even. Skeletor agrees, but then adds, “He runs, I’ll chop his balls off.” Okay, when did this entire storyline become nothing but discussion of Jon Snow’s genitals? Is this because Hung got canceled?
Oh – and Jon reunites with his scoutmaster and learns that his running off with Egret got his entire party killed. Whoopsies!
Back down below the Wall, Robb (Richard Madden) and Talisa Love Hewitt (Oona Chaplin) stroll along talking about their fathers alongside a swiftly-running river. It’s lovely. They also discuss his arranged marriage, which may or may not have something to do with a bridge. Maybe his promised wife likes to play bridge? Because he’s really more of a canasta guy, really – it’ll NEVER work! He tells her that he’s only fighting so that he and his men can go home, and then he’s interrupted by the news that Jaime Lannister has escaped.
Well, not so much escaped as set free by his mom. Moooooommmmmmm! God, she’s always ruining EVERYTHING. Turns out Catelyn (Michelle Fairley) set Jaime free to potentially save her daughter’s lives, but Robb and his cranky bearded BFF aren’t happy with her decision, which is essentially treason. Robb assigns someone to guard her day and night, which is pretty much the worst Mother’s Day present since that time he gave her a portrait of his direwolf made out of macaroni.