“Game of Thrones” Recap: “Is He a Ham?”

Hell’s horses, that was a fun one, eh? Extreme spanking, torture, amputation, and the most alarming birth since American Horror Story made this week’s Game of Thrones the leg-crosser of the season. Let’s dig in!

The episode is of course preceded by my favorite letters in the Western alphabet: AC, AL, GV, and N. Together, they spell H-A-P-P-Y L-O-R-D-S D-A-Y Y-A-L-L!

The opening credits let us know that we’re going to be introduced to yet another new land – this one looks to be waaaaay out there. Like, Staten Island out there. It’s called Qarth, which sounds like a home accounting software with a speech impediment.

Stark, raving mad (Richard Madden)

It’s raining in Westeros (my haaaair is a meesssss…) and two Lannisterian soldiers are joking about in the dark about the fighting prowess of Lorax, the Knight of Flowers. One points out that he can’t be that good of a swordsman, because “he’s been stabbing Renly Baratheon for years and he ain’t dead!” Okay, that’s actually kind of funny in a “Catskills-on-Winterfell” comic kind of way. Something spooks the horses, but it turns out it’s just one of the soldiers’ massive gas problem. Fantasy fart joke! Will wonders never Cersei. But the joke’s on the flatulent fella, as one of Robb Stark‘s direwolves jumps out of the darkness and kills him. Shoulda taken that Beano, squire.

The morning after, Robb (Richard Madden) walks the battlefield, and says that they shouldn’t be torturing the prisoners despite the fact that “A naked man has few secrets; a flayed man, none.” He holds down a young soldier as a Florence (and the Machine) Nightingale type cuts off his gangrened foot. He is obviously impressed by her way with a saw. It’s a Westeros meet-cute! I think her name’s Talissa? And she’s from Velantis? Seriously, half of these names and places sound like wiener pills to me.

“A little club soda will get that out.” … “LIAR!” (Sophie Turner)

Back in King’s Landing, Lady Salsa Sansa (Sophie Turner) is on her knees in the Throne Room, and Joffrey the Lady Alien Crown Prince (Jack Gleeson) has a crossbow aimed at her face. He wants to torture her to send a message to Robb Stark about his winning the battle and all – and he goes so far as to have her stripped a little and beaten before Tyrion (Peter Dinklage) comes in and crashes the party. There’s also a mention of the Northerners being cannibals, which is just plain rude. Tyrion schools Joffrey’s guard on the difference between a history lesson and a threat, and Bronn (Jerome Flynn) tells Tyrion that Joffrey is just “backed up”. At first I think that he means that they should slip some Metamucil into Joffrey’s sippy-chalice. But no, he means that Joffrey needs to get laid, which might help – although even he admits that “there’s no cure for bein’ a c*nt”.

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