“Game of Thrones” Recap: “The Queen’s Guard”

Ah, my friends. If you, like me, know your TV rating codes and were unnaturally aroused by the appearance of the following letter combinations on your screen at 9pm Eastern last night:

AC
AL
V
N

…then you, like me, were unnaturally excited about the return of the naughty, nasty, dirty-haired square dance that is Game of Thrones. Let’s jump right in, shall we?

The episode kicks off with unholy shrieks. So, basically, this could be any of the Real Housewives shows.

Spamwise Tarley (John Bradley) is running for his life through the snow – wait, are we literally picking up exactly where we left off last season? He comes across a seated figure in a cloak – he calls it “brother”, but then realizes that his brother has no head. Well, he has a head, but he’s holding it in his lap, technically. A White Walker with an axe comes at him, but suddenly a giant white wolf pulls it off of him. Yikes – when did the dog get that big? And when did the dog learn to use a lighter? Because somebody just set the zombie on fire, see.

Turns out it’s one of the Night’s Watch guys, and he’s crushed to learn that Samwise didn’t send the raven text that they apparently sent him to send. Apparently, because Spamwise didn’t get the word out, “Everyone you know will be dead.” Way to lay on the guilt trip, man!

OPENING TITLES – Dragonstone sounds familiar but is that new? And wait – what’s the Gulf of Grief? Is that where Charlie Brown retired to after the Little Red-Headed Girl left him for her personal trainer and Sally OD’d? There’s a place beyond the Gulf called Astapor or something, and they have a sphynx. So they’ve got that going for them.

Up North, Sh*tty Skeletor and Jon Snow (Kit Harington) and Ygritte (Rose Leslie) – aka Snowy Egret – enter what looks to be the largest, peltiest hobo camp north of Poughkeepsie. But they do have a giant. So they’ve got that going for them. Egret advises Jon not to stare, noting, “I’ve seen them pound a man straight into the ground!” You and me both, sister. Wait – we’re not talking about Johnny Giant starring John Holmes? Never mind.

Egret defends Jon from some kids who throw rocks at him and call him “crow” (although he does bear a striking resemblance to The Crow in the hair department) and brings him in to meet a ginger beardy fellow who kind of looks like Matthew McCaunaghey being face-raped by a red panda.

 

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