Professional Sports Need to Gay it Up… Here’s How

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Out athletes Jason Collins and Robbie Rogers

With the recent announcements that professional athletes Jason Collins (basketball) and Robbie Rogers (soccer) play for the gays, the sports landscape is suddenly demanding much more of our attention. While we may not feel obligated to pay attention to every gay entertainer, especially the tedious ones, solely because they’re gay, professional team sports is still a lonely continent with just the two flag bearers. It seems only neighborly of us to give them both a little boost of support.

That, however, requires watching basketball and soccer, quite a challenge for those of us who have worked so diligently to become stereotypically gay, obediently sitting in our pigeonholes and enjoying all the traditionally gay sports like figure skating, gymnastics, diving, and wrestling (well, pictures of wrestling), but not dressage. Even we have limits. That’s just sitting on a horse and forcing it to dance. I could sit on Zachary Quinto and force him to dance, but that doesn’t make me an Olympian.

Do they really expect us to drop our treatises on how “Government Hooker” would make excellent floor exercise music or stop evaluating acquaintances as “9.825 at best” just to learn these new, unimaginative sports? Inconsiderate, that’s what it is. Jason, Robbie, I’m disappointed in you most of all.

Even worse, we know it won’t stop here. Next it will be football, then baseball, then hockey, then those steroid competitions where they pull the truck with their teeth. We may somehow manage to endure basketball and soccer, but if these other sports want us to support their future gay athletes, they’ll need to make concessions. I have some ideas.

Football – The compulsory dance

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Football is all a little one-note. Oh look, you’re tackling each other again. Hurrah! To show that these truly are all-around athletes with enticingly varied skill sets, there is but one solution: the Viennese Waltz. Conducted at the beginning of each half, the waltz would present the opportunity to win possession by showing superior rhythm, extension, and connection with a partner. You say there’s no place for homophobia in the NFL? Prove it.

Baseball – The balance beam

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Baseball sure does have a lot of running in a straight line with no obstacles. Please. I could do that, and my muscle mass should be measured in atoms. Baseball could use the added danger of balance beams between the bases. Players will have to remain on the beam all the way to the base while also performing a tumbling skill and a balletic leap. Don’t pretend those pants aren’t ideal for some split positions. With the pinstripes and the excellent fit? Come on.

Hockey – Nancy Kerrigan impressions

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“Penalty box? Why! WHY!”

Hockey seems to involve a great deal of hitting people with sticks, which I can respect. What I cannot respect is the very notion that someone would be on ice, get hit in the knee with a stick, and not immediately burst into a Nancy Kerrigan impression, drop to the ground, and exclaim, “WHY? WHY?” Oh, straights. What are we going to do with you? In improved hockey, players may avoid penalties through Nancy Kerrigan impressions that display sufficient levels of accuracy, commitment, and forest green vests.

Unless popular sports implement these changes to appeal specifically to my tastes, I might not even be able to watch them or make a big deal out of their inevitable population of gay athletes. Gay athletes in mainstream sports would become part of the rest of normal, ignorable culture, almost like they’re not national news stories or rare gems to be held aloft on purple cushions, and then where would we be? It’s a slippery slope.

 

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