Here’s what you missed on Glee: Kurt and Blaine kissed each other right on the lips not once, but twice, had an actual conversation about their relationship that involved both of them opening their mouths and saying/singing words, and decided fortune was smiling so hard on them they should go ahead and get engaged. Sue Sylvester took her rightful place on the throne of McKinley High. Artie and Kitty added a new life event (“In a Relationship”) to their Facebook timelines. Tina inched ever closer to her to her inevitable future as a yacht-owning, fish tank-having, Kryptonite-wielding super-villain. And Brittany S. Pierce loved her some dick, couldn’t get enough of that purple pickle, cheated on Santana repeatedly with good ol’ Captain Winky. Just a bisexual girl, living in a lonely world, she took the Big D-Train off to MIT.
Sam is lounging atop the piano in the choir room while Blaine plays him a tune. Sam wishes he had cool stuff to worry about like Blaine does, like how last names work for gay couples, but instead he’s just got lame problems. Like it’s been three weeks since Brittany — the girl he tried to marry — left for Hogwarts, and oh, he’s just so tired of being single. “I just hope wherever Brittany is, she’s getting copious amounts of cock,” Sam says. “That girl loved her a one-eyed snake.” Sam is also bummed that he participated in the most recent round of white knight shenanigans, and now he’s got to take Tina to prom and who even know what personality she’ll be wearing that night.
Mr. Schue drops by to say they’ll be tackling The Beatles’ experimental phase this week, but he’s interrupted by Principal Sylvester’s announcement that this year’s Brundleprom will be attended by all students in all grades, and also here are the prom court nominees: Blaine, Artie, Stoner Brett, Neckbrace Cheerio, Kitty, and Tina.
Tina, of course, springs from her chair in a fit of narcissistic mania and announces that she’s not taking Sam to prom because she needs the single girl vote, and also everyone in glee club will be voting for her if they don’t want to end up with Vaporub in unfortunate places. She breaks into song — “Revolution” — but is cut off by the bell and the stampeding of her classmates. “OK!” she shouts after them. “That’s fine! But let’s all meet back here later to teach me my semi-annual Very Important Life Lesson!”
Out in the hallway, Bree corners Kitty and launches into every speech every Cheerio has ever given about how there will be hell to pay if their squad is once again shown-up by the gays and Jews in New Directions. Kitty rolls her eyes, because Bree is pretty and everything, but once you’ve been verbally throttled by Actual Santana, Santana Lite just doesn’t strike fear into your heart. There’s real life ninjas, and then there’s five year olds dressed up in karate costumes for Halloween. You cower before one and you pat the other one on her wittle head and send her away with a bag of Reese’s Pieces.
In the choir room, Sam is still flopping around on top of the piano in the throes of singleton despair while Will tries to comfort him with the knowledge that he, too, has been without a girlfriend for weeks at a time, and so he gets how awful it can be. But Sue interrupts their feelings fest to announce her new mandatory, school-wide vaccination plan. She’s starting with New Directions because clearly they’re all suffering from some kind of viral infection that makes them invisible for weeks at a time: “First, meningitis vaccinations. Then, small pox, chicken pox, rabies, and feline leukemia. I just wish I’d had the authority to dispense medical care when Brittany was a student here. Who knows what kind of STIs she contracted, constantly cheating on her girlfriend with all the penises in this school. You know how bi girls are: Insatiable pork sword sluts.”
Sam does not like needles, but he does like new Nurse Penny‘s face, so he stops by the clinic to get his vaccination on. Unfortunately, Nurse Penny isn’t so much a nurse as she is a sophomore nursing student who failed Injecting 101 last semester. But Sam does not care! He cannot allow his singleness to go on any longer! He fakes a variety of illnesses, tries to chew off his own arm, and slow-mo sings “Something” while a wind machine does terrifying things to his hair. After his serenade, Penny tells him Sue is firing her because she’s clearly a terrible nurse, but Sam hatches a Sam Plan to help her: If she gives him a shot, she’ll be a hero, and Sue will have to let her stay. So, Sam gets vaccinated and Penny gets to keep her job. Not because of Sam’s Sam Plan, but because Sue decides McKinley High is already filled with incompetent staff. One more moron won’t hurt anything.
When Dottie delivers Tina’s prom queen poll numbers the next day, Tina is dismayed to learn that Kitty’s popularity has spiked. That’s when she notices that she’s surrounded by Kitty’s face; posters of her are plastered to every surface of the whole school. Kitty is equally befuddled because for one thing, she didn’t make these posters, and for another thing, her head has been Photoshopped onto Olivia Munn’s body. (Specifically, Olivia Munn’s body from her 2011 Maxim cover, notes Artie.) All the New Directions corner Kitty and yell at her about stealing Tina’s thunder and after they bounce in a huff, she goes, “Why doesn’t anyone believe me? Oh, right — the habitual lying.”
Dottie is doing her daily prom queen canvassing — “Don’t be racist, vote for Tina!” — when Bree corners her and offers her a spot on the Cheerios if she’ll help with their masterplan of destroying Tina’s life. Dottie’s in, because sure why not.
Prom time! Man, remember Prom-asaurus? Remember the set design and the costumes and the music and how the biggest school dance of the year wasn’t shoe-horned into a three-minute montage because we actually cared what was happening in Lima? Remember how Brittany sneaked out during the middle of her awesome achievement and did penis-vagina sex in the parking lot, committing lesbian adultery on Santana because she couldn’t help herself because mmm boy, tally whackers!
I’m sorry, what’s that? You don’t remember any of this this shit I’m saying about how Brittany was constantly f*cking over Santana because she was addicted to dick? Maybe that’s because IT NEVER HAPPENED.