Glee: Brittany Victorious!

Previously on Glee, Rachel was tripping balls on nostalgia at her Funny Girl audition, so she hallucinated Original New Directions onto the stage with her, where they Didn’t Stop Believin’ together again. Blaine made it plain that he wanted to spend all his days of all of his life with perfect human being Kurt Hummel, even if they were still mostly broken up (but still hooking up at literally every opportunity). Brittany pulled down a perfect SAT score. And Ryder was teetering very near the edge of an apoplectic brain hemorrhage because these writers have a memory worse than Finding Nemo’s Dory but his stupid catfishing storyline just would not go away.

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Back when I used to watch American Idol, my favorite thing was when some girl would walk into the room and say she was going to sing Mariah or Whitney or Celine and the judges would all just roll their eyes and flop over in their chairs and start texting or whatever, because the only person who can sing like Celine Dion is Celine Dion, OK? But then the Idol girl would open her mouth and it’d be heaven and the judges would gape at her like a gaggle of dummies, and that’s exactly what happens when Rachel shows up at her second Funny Girl callback and says she’s going to sing “To Love You More.” She crushes it, she crushes it so hard she makes herself cry. When Lea Michele gets to heaven, God’s gonna be like, “Every other angel, shut up!”

Massachusetts Institute of Technology. Brittany is meeting with some MIT administrators who are bamboozled by her perfect SAT scores and her dismal GPA. Also, she destroyed their scantron machine because she took her entrance exams with a crayon. But on the back of her exam she scribbled a bunch of numbers that were jumbled up inside her brain, hoping it would help her concentrate, and it turns out those numbers — “The Brittany Code” — are the most significant mathematical breakthrough since Pythagoras recorded his theorems in finger paint.

Brittany can’t deal with the pressure of having such a beautiful mind and such a remarkable academic offer, so she unleashes her id on everyone at McKinley. She demands all the solos for the rest of her glee club tenure. She breaks up with Sam via text message while standing right in front of him, because she “misses her sweet lady kisses.” And then she channels her inner Martin Luther and nails her 95 crayon-penned theses to the door of Coach Roz‘s office explaining why she’s quitting the Cheerios. (One of the best throwaway jokes of the night is Coach Roz reading the theses over the sound of Brittany’s burning cheerleader uniform: “Last year, Coach Sylvester locked seven Cheerios in a dog crate…”)

It’s a tricky week for Brittany to come unglued because there are about fifty-eleven other things happening in Lima. Regionals are finally, fully upon us. Blaine has decided to go through with his proposal to Kurt despite Burt’s excellent advice last week that Blaine should take a deep breath and relax and re-learn his soul mate. But Blaine has never not overachieved at anything, and he wants that gay wedding badge for his scout sash dammit. And, of course, Ryder still doesn’t know who Katie is, so he practically sets the choir room on fire when his friends refuse to turn out their pockets and offer up to him their iPhones, iPads, laptops, Kindles, and hand-written diaries. Kitty, literally and amazingly: “Nobody’s going to admit it, for fear of being murdered.” But Marley does admit it. With a straight face, she say the actual words: “I’m Catfish!” But the camera says: “She’s lying, duh, it’s Unique.”

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Nobody’s got time for that shit, though. Two unlikely teams tag-up to stage an intervention for Brittany. First is Will and Sue, who go on Fondue for Two, to talk to her about why she’s acting like a lunatic. Sue is unimpressed with the actual fondue — “It smells like someone poured chardonnay on a homeless woman who’d been dead several days” — but super impressed by the fact that Brit has unlocked the mystery of her baby’s father. It’s Michael Bolton, obviously. Brittany’s also got other questions for her most favored teachers; for example, did they know people stopped caring about their on-again/off-again frenemy feud way back in season one? And does Will plan to continue his weirdly intimate relationship with Finn once he and Emma are married?

In terms of interventions, Will and Sue’s is a flop. So Sam calls up the only person who can see Brittany and touch Brittany when the glow of her unicorn-ness is blinding, and that person is, of course, Santana Lopez. She gets naked while answering the phone for reasons I do not understand and will not question. She also agrees to teleport to Lima quick as a flash to look in on Brittany 3.0.

Also happening in Lima is Ryder’s continued descent into absolute madness. You know in Who Framed Roger Rabbit? when Judge Doom flips open cans of that eraser dip stuff and adorable cartoon characters with floppy hair start squealing and hyperventilating and running around in circles and smashing up against things and falling over and fainting and regaining consciousness and fainting again and waking up and stumbling around and breaking more things and vomiting blood? That’s pretty much what’s happening with Ryder out in the hallway of McKinley High while Marley tries to calm him down with her sweet face and soothing words. But Unique finally confesses that it was her who was catfishing him. Ryder can’t believe it, even though every single one of us have been shouting it at him through the TV for the last three months. He says he’s not ever going to speak to Unique again for as long as he lives!

How about we all agree never to speak of this entire storyline again for as long as we live, hmm? I mean, do you know how many times Santana could have taken off her shirt while we were watching Ryder type? Do you know how many jazzercize classes Blaine could have attended? One hundred and ninety-six billion, that’s how many. Ryder robbed us of Naya’s abs and Darren’s thrusting. UNACCEPTABLE. DIE, CATFISH STORY. DIE FOREVER.

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