Previously on Glee, Blaine Warbler did some dumb stuff with Eli C. and so Kurt broke up with him forever — except for Christmas and weddings and funerals and Valentine’s Day and Halloween and Arbor Day and Citizenship Day and Groundhog Day and Susan B. Anthony Day. Finally Blaine just told Kurt that they were going to be together for all the days, “And don’t freak out, but my doctor says I’ve contracted Ultimate Tight Pants Syndrome (UTPS) and apparently it’s contagious.” Rachel got a callback for Fanny Brice. Brittany got an invitation to MIT. And Finn Hudson joined Clown College.
TARDIS EN ROUTE TO LIMA VIA BUSHWICK
Rachel calls up Mr. Schue to tell him he’s the number one main reason that she’s about to land a major Broadway role at the tender age of 19. She says he inspired her so much that she sang “Don’t Stop Believin’” with backup by the ghosts of New Directions at her Funny Girl audition. Will goes, “But the way I remember it, that song didn’t have anything to do with me, and in fact it was the first of many times that you guys had to get your shit together on your own and perform like angels while I skulked around in the shadows feeling sorry for myself.” Rachel’s like, “Eh, maybe, but I just don’t feel right not attributing my success to some man or another.” (hashtag glee hates women, wink-wink, jerk-off motion.)
Kurt packs up his stuff to head to Ohio so he can be with Burt when he finds out if his Sweeps Cancer is cured. The sad beautiful lamb has adopted some compulsive behaviors to deal with his anxiety. For example, he’s only wearing light-colored clothes because they match the clear blue sky which is a metaphor for smooth sailing, terminal disease-wise. Also, he taps the side of his nose now, twice every hour, like TV sleuths do when they “knows” something. Kurt oughta tap his nose every time he catches his own reflection because he knows that his nose is attached the most flawless of all the faces in the land.
Now you know I love to give ol’ Will Schuester a hard time, but there’s something to be said for a high school teacher who creates such a safe space for gay kids that they come back when they come home because they know that’s where they’ll find the best love and support. (Unless you’re a young transgender woman who wants talks about boobs, in which case: “Shut up already!” and/or “You’re looking extra buxomy today!”) The point is that Kurt is back, and for all his talk about Blaine just being his good buddy, he spends an inordinate amount of time mooning over him in the hallway while wearing a pair of trousers that adamantly refuse to hide his light under a bushel. They are what Dolly Parton might call “painted-on jeans, all decked out like a cow[boy]‘s dream.”
Mr. Schue says this week’s theme is Wonder-ful, like Stevie Wonder-ful, because Rachel’s about to be the new Babs, and Mercedes is back to do more than backup sing for Rachel and cockblock Blaine and Kurt, and Mike Chang is here which means there will be real dancin’, and also Will managed to re-re-propose to Emma without the assistance of 20 caroling youths.
One person who is not really feeling Wonder-ful is Artie, which, bizarrely enough, is only noticed by Kitty. She chases down Artie in the hallway and confesses that she keeps everyone on their toes by being the greatest some days and the worst on other days, but today happens to be one of the good ones, so how come Artie is so sullen and withdrawn? It’s because he got accepted to a Brooklyn film school — conveniently located two blocks from the Hummelpezberry loft, one presumes — but that he is not going because his mom is too worried about him. Kitty decides the antidote to his worries is a rousing rendition of “Signed, Sealed, Delivered,” during which performance she flies through the air a little bit and also throws herself at Artie in a semi-sexual way. She lets it slip to the whole group that Artie got into film school and everyone cheers and everyone claps and Artie scowls and bounces.