“Glee” 5.12: Five Hundred Twenty-Five Thousand Six Hundred Minutes

Here’s what you missed on Glee: New Directions didn’t win Nationals so Sue promised to shut down glee club, but for real this time. No, seriously. For real. For real, you guys.

One of the weirdest things about human beings is we’re all so very caught up in our own narcissistic deal that is blows our mind grapes wide open when the world keeps on spinning in our absence. And so it is that Rachel and Mercedes are completely bamboozled that there’s no red carpet or confetti or even just a parking lot parade to mark their return to McKinley for the newest last time that Sue has finally destroyed New Directions for now. Their main thing, though, is that they want the other one to admit to being the silver medalist in the Diva Olympics. First leg of the competition: Rachel’s front-and-center chair in the choir room, which Rachel snags, which prompts Mercedes to for real say: “Excuse me while I take my place at the back of the bus.”

Glee 513 recap

Will thanks everyone for wading into the vortex of unmovable time to say goodbye to glee club, and your level of enjoyment of this episode is going to be in direct proportion to the thump your heart did (or didn’t do) when you saw Quinn and Puck and Brittany (sitting next to Santana!) back in the choir room. My heart did a triple-thump. This week’s assignment is to re-sing songs, and here to kick things off is April Rhodes, pulling a trolley full of liquor behind her and prepping for “Raise Your Glass.” Blaine reminds her that it was the Warblers who did that one, but she’s not fussed. Her glass is already raised.

Glee 513 recap

Puck wanders the hallways in his uniform, looking more like a 31-year-old man than ever, voicing-over about how the past is the past is the past — and then he spots Quinn at the end of the hall and realizes the past is giving him a present. A Dianna Agron-shaped present. Truly, the best shape of any present. He asks her out to Breadstix, but they’re interrupted by Nate Archibald who has apparently escaped from Dan “Lonely Boy” Humprhey’s NSA-caliber surveillance tactics by joining the Witness Protection Program and enrolling in Yale with the name Biff McIntosh, heir to the McIntosh apple fortune. Jesus, that’s the most Nate Archibald cover story I have ever heard in my life. Whatever, though; the eyebrows don’t lie. It’s him. And he knows less about Quinn’s past than she knows about his.

Glee 513 recap

Brittany is solving complex quantitative algorithms in an empty classroom when Santana busts in and demands to know what she’s doing. The answer is math. Always math. And not in that cool Adventure Time way where “math” is a coded swear word.

Glee 513 recap

At MIT, Brittany spends all her time hooked up to various neurological tracking devices proving theorems. She misses: scissoring with Santana, and hanging with Lord Tubbington, so Santana suggests a little Unholy Trinity action to realign her brain priorities. They redo “Toxic” half in the choir room and half in a “Cell Block Tango” fever dream. Biff spends the whole time texting, which causes Puck and me and you to give him such a side-eye. Not because he’s being a bad boyfriend, necessarily, but because his hormones are obviously busted.

After the dance, Brittany says she was 3/16th of a beat off of the choreography and so probably she should just go back to whatever Pythagorean Theorem thing.

Glee 513 recap

But first! Fondue For Two! Britt hosts Mercedes and Rachel on her world famous talk show, asking such no-bullshit questions as: “Rachel, would you agree it’s irresponsible to leave New York for an entire week for no other reason than the glee club has been cancelled?” And: “Mercedes, how would you respond to the rumors that you’re a really good dancer but you hid that fact the entire time you were in glee club so Mr. Schue would allow you to quote park and bark?” Plus a smash cut of her cats making out. I whimpered out loud with how much I missed Brittany S. Pierce on my television. She feels like when Daylight Savings Time comes and you’d forgotten the sun didn’t always set at noon.

Glee 513 recap

Instead of enjoying a quiet date at Breadstix, Biff has invited all of Quinn’s friends to tell the many tales of her erratic existence. He’s like, “Would you say the writers of this show had literally zero ideas about what to do with her character?” But before anyone can answer that, Quinn sends him to the car for her purse and tells everyone to lock it down because this week she’s twisting herself into the shape of Snow White in the hopes that Biff will fill the hole in her heart that she also tried to plug up with Finn, Puck, Sam, and Boner Jesus.

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