I can’t help it. I had involuntary excitement pangs when I heard Kate Middleton was pregnant. Surely she and hubby Will haven’t maintained the abject fanaticism and awe that greeted their 2011 nuptials, but there’s a sinister, perpetually photogenic flair to Ms. Middleton that makes me wonder if, in fact, she qualifies to be a gay icon. Unfortunately, the rules for gay iconography are nebulous at best, so we better all decide it right now. Here are the arguments for whether or not the Cambridge contessa is a proper gay icon. We’ll start with the “yes” column.
- We must admit there’s an icon market for people who don’t represent much but work the hell out of whatever their tiny purpose is. I fully support Vanna White as a gay icon. Is her job important? No. Is it hard? No. Could anybody ever do it like she does? NEVER. One week Wheel of Fortune held a contest for a guest hostess, and the winning Vanna substitute honestly blew it. Her pivots were bad, her hand choreography lagged, and her clapping was contrived. It’s fair to say that Vanna is the closest we’ve ever seen to a game show voguer. Think about THAT. Anyway: Kate Middleton wears exciting, inspired dresses and walks around in them, and she is the best at it. What could be more fabulous than “knowing frivolity”?
- Pregnancy is the great suspenseful tabloid saga of the ages. You can’t escape the drama. It engrosses you! What will they name him? Her? Will it have good arms for polo? Harry’s about to be an uncle. How weird is that?
- She has a hot brother who strips with his friends.
- I mean, what is a Pippa? Kate gave that to us.
- Face it, she made the royal family seem slightly fascinating again (with the help of her trusty fascinators — see below), and she did it knowingly. She marched right in like Urkel on Family Matters and overtook the whole show.
- Fascinators. Those insane British hats. You did not care about them before Kate Middleton. Now they are divine. Just like Julia Roberts and high-waisted jeans in ’90.
- Flawless wedding wave, maquillage, hair, and smile. Phew.
- NEVER FORGET that the press dubbed her “Waity Katie” for “her apparent lack of work ethic and seeming lack of desire to work, in preference for awaiting a wedding proposal.” Glam-or.
- Her dramatic pregnancy sickness is also ferocious. “Hypermesis gravidarum”? That sounds like the genus and species of a unicorn.
- I don’t know what her voice sounds like.
- In evolutionary terms, reality TV should’ve killed off royalty years ago. We live vicariously through Survivor tribes and Beverly Hills housewives now, not Henry VIII descendants perched on a hill.
- The chemistry between William and Kate isn’t quite electrifying under close inspection.
- Personally, I believe she shouldn’t have fraternized with the U.S. Olympic gymnasts. What would they talk about? I should never have to think about how Kate Middleton might have nothing to talk about.
- She and Will have been urged to support gay rights, but we haven’t heard much in the way of confirmation.
- Nothing is less fun than when Kate and Will leave Dollhouse World and try to interact with important people. Then it just feels depressing.
What say you? She’s fun, but perhaps not an icon? Or maybe she’s an icon because she’s only fun? It confuses me too.