Our 7 Big Dreams For The Golden Globes

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The Golden Globes. They’re my favorite. Who will win? It honestly depends on how drunk everyone is. But before the champagne flows like rich dialogue out of the mouth of Cate Blanchett, here are my seven big dreams for Sunday’s ceremony.

1. American Hustle wins nothing.

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Confession: Mysteriously, I have seen this twice. I didn’t like it the first time when I saw it alone, and then my family wanted to see something together on Christmas and we chose this. Um? What an unnecessarily convoluted parade of overwrought performances and plot points? Only Amy Adams manages to shine with her character’s huge but believable shifts from self-confidence to pure nervous terror. Otherwise it’s the same David O. Russell situation: Abhorrent, ridiculous men kick ass and take names while the women lose their sh*t and holler a lot. I really didn’t understand Jennifer Lawrence‘s character, and not just because it’s clear Jennifer Lawrence is way too young to play it. How could she be semi-aware of her husband’s seedy dealings and then mingle with his obvious rivals at that bar without fear? And better yet: Why were we burdened with that horrible perfume metaphor for what seemed like 50 minutes? I thought this movie was garish and unimportant, and I hope Her or Inside Llewyn Davis overtake it for their rich and original visions.

2. Matthew McConaughey wins for Dallas Buyers Club

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Dallas Buyers Club was one of my favorite movies of the year, and it’s mostly because of Matthew McConaughey’s performance. Yes, Jared Leto was charming as the plucky, tragic Rayon (and he will indeed triumph at the Golden Globes), but McConaughey’s work required such an intense range of emotion and intention, not to mention varying degrees of “likability,” that all-too-important 2014 character trait. Ron Woodruff is selfish but effective, and his caustic energy is plenty more moving than the dolts who scream about nothing in American Hustle. Like with Blue Jasmine, the starring performance stands apart from the movie and is its own work of bracing art. Here’s hoping McConaughey is honored for single-handedly giving Dallas Buyers Club the chilling, gritty urgency it needed.

3. Julia Louis-Dreyfus wins both of her Golden Globes.

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Enough Said is officially the year’s most underrated comedy, but let me take a moment to discuss Julia Louis-Dreyfus’ work on Veep, which has already won her two Emmys. Yes, we understand she is a great actress. Yes, we understand she is somehow only getting younger. But her character on Veep is my favorite performance of hers to date, and it is a serious relief and thrill to see how nimbly and gamely she handles vulgar dialogue on that show. I like how her rapport with her minions is both close and distanced, plus the general apathy with which she veers from competence to incompetence. A total joy in every episode.

4. The camera spends lots of time on the legendary Jacqueline Bisset.
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Jacqueline Bisset is nominated for her work in the BBC drama series Dancing on the Edge, and I’d just like to announce that I adore her. Love Bullitt, love Who is Killing the Great Chefs of Europe?, and I of course loved her bit role in the original Casino Royale as Miss Goodthighs. Remember when Julie Christie reappeared for award season with Away from Her in 2007? This is Bisset’s time. Let us love it.

5. Helena Bonham Carter beats Jessica Lange for Best Miniseries/TV Movie Actress

1) American Horror Story is still not a miniseries. I don’t care what anyone says, including Stevie Nicks’ shawl vendor. 2) I am still reeling from hearing Helena Bonham Carter’s impression of Elizabeth Taylor. The voice is startling, y’all. It is an aural blast of White Diamonds. For that alone she should be honored, and it helps that HBC gives a fantastic awards show speech. Her work at the BAFTAs in 2011? A magnificent treat.

6. A five-way tie is declared in the Best Actress in a TV Drama category.

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Julianna Margulies. Robin Wright. Tatiana Maslany. Taylor Schilling. Kerry Washington. Guys, I’d be fine with any of these people winning. Seriously. I know Tatiana is the prestige choice, but all of these women really bring it on their respective dramas. The Good Wife, suddenly, is better than ever. Robin Wright rules. Taylor Schilling is charmingly droll, even for being one of the least wacky characters on her show. And Kerry Washington is renewing the addictiveness of TV on Scandal. Perfect category!

7. Julia Roberts wins Best Supporting Actress and destroys us with the best speech we’ve ever heard. 

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Guys, give it up. Julia Roberts is the queen. You know it. I know it. Letterman knows it. Tom Hanks knows it. Let’s hear her jokes about Meryl Streep‘s unprofessional attitude and Benedict Cumberbatch’s ass. It’s what we want. What we deserve.

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