Easter is here, which means it’s time for flamboyantly gay hats to courageously come out of the closet, and time to ogle Hollywood’s hottest Jesi!
Jesus is one of the most coveted roles in show business, but it’s not for the timid. To succeed, you have to make us believe you’re willing to die for our sins. Not stub your toe for our sins, not get a nasty paper cut for our sins, but you have to convince us you’re willing to get nailed … so we can do the same.
The actors on the following pages all have that Original Sinnocence™, that combination of piousness and grungy hotness. Take a look at our Calvacade of Christ, and decide which one deserves to be crowned awarded “Sexiest Jesus!”
Jeremy Sisto in Jesus
Jesus was a 1999 four-hour NBC mini-series that featured Jeremy in the title role and Debra Messing as the spunkiest Mary Magdalene in history.
In fact, there were rumors that Debra would go on to star in a series of historical biopics, playing various famous women in her own unique style, but unfortunately Incessantly Chattering Lucrezia Borgia and Slapstick Joan of Arc never got off the ground.
Jeremy stood out from other Jesus portrayals by bringing a hot edginess to the role, but I kept praying to see Jesus break out, “Rolling with the Homies.”
Christian Bale in Mary, Mother of Jesus
Mary, Mother of Jesus was a 1999 Hallmark presentation, and featured the … unlikely casting of Oscar-winner Christian Bale as Mary’s put-upon son.
Then again, you’ve got to give Christian credit for ad-libbing this argument with Judas at The Last Supper.
Am I going to walk around and rip your f**king candles down, in the middle of a supper? Then why the f**k are you walking right through? Ah-da-da-dah, like this in the background. What the f**k is it with you? What don’t you f**king understand? You got any f**king idea about, hey, it’s f**king distracting having somebody walking up behind Paul in the middle of the f**king supper ? Give me a f**king answer! What don’t you get about it?
We love borderline sociopath Jesus!
Diogo Morgado in Son Of God
“Look at me. I’m f*cking gorgeous. I’m what the child of Brad and Jennifer would have looked like … if Jennifer had kept her Rachel hair. And yes, this big-screen version of the turgid mini-series The Bible may have been a cynical cash grab, but you’ll be able to see me this fall in the Hallmark series Sweet Jesus, where every week I’ll help a new family cope with trouble and modern strife. In the premiere episode, struggling single mom Lori Loughlin deals with a flamboyantly gay son. He may love loaves now, but when I’m done, he’ll be craving fish.”