HBO recently announced that its long-running vampire sex comedy True Blood will be back for a seventh season of Southern-fried, fang-bangin’, bloody-merkined fun. The show has taken some unexpected turns in the past few years (especially to people who have read the books), so it’s hard to predict what the hell Sookie, Billith, Eric, and the rest of the Bon Temps crew will be up to next year. Fortunately, we have degrees in Advanced Predictology and are expert at divining the future arcs of aggressively ridiculous episodic supernatural dramedies.
Here are our predictions…
1. Merlotte’s Will Be Home Base Once Again
At last week’s Comic-Con panel, new showrunner Brian “Bucky” Buckner (who stepped in to replace Mark Hudis, who replaced Alan Ball) indicated that he wasn’t happy with the show’s six-ways-’til-Sunday feel, and will be bringing things back to Ben Temps with fewer story threads: “You’re going to feel that the show is going to return back to its roots and be about this gang of people living in Bon Temps. We’re going to try and condense the number of stories we’re telling and really make this feel like we’re going home.” In other words, forget Dallas, screw Shreveport, and pretend Hotshot ever happened – and let’s hope that this means that the Merlotte’s pool table will once again be mission control for the gang’s goings-on.
2. Everyone But Lafayette Will Get Laid
Let’s do the math on sexy-times, shall we? And these are conservative estimates:
Yes, even coppertopped fusspot Arlene Fowler and grumpy lawman Andy Bellefleur have gotten more tail than poor gay ghost-lisperer Lafayette Reynolds (Nelsan Ellis). Can’t they throw him a little beef to nibble on? And no, I’m not counting the tricks from his hooking days, because a gurl’s gotta eat. Hunty.
3. Someone Will Mess Up Sookie’s Kitchen
It simply would not be a season of True Blood without Sookie having to get out the Comet and fixin’ to show that linoleum who’s boss. As I’ve maintained from Season 1, True Blood really is at its heart just a story of a simple Southern girl trying to keep her kitchen clean.