“Revenge” Episode 213: Hair Today … Dead Tomorrow!

PREVIOUSLY, ON Reven8e

In one of the best episodes of the season, Victoria‘s mama bear has lethal claws, Emily weeps at what might have been, and Jack does the unthinkable.

Did Samson teach him nothing?

It’s the wedding day of Amanda and Jack, and Emily has a lot on her mind, starting with a gauzy flashback to those carefree days back in 1993, when everyone was listening to Ace Of Base and watching the premiere of a new show called Beavis & Butthead.

She’s preparing for her own mock wedding, to a prepubescent Jack, and they’re both at the age when this is still cute, and not creepy and uncomfortable. Emily has made wedding rings out of pipe cleaners, and when we flash back to the present, we see that she’s kept one in the infinity box.

Nolan interrupts to announce that, he, as the wedding officiant, has everything ready for the beach nuptials, and in a perfect Nolanism, declares, “Who knew officiant was french for wedding bitch?” Emily is preoccupied, however, worrying where Aiden is. She hasn’t seen him since the video surfaced of his sister’s alleged death. Nolan takes her mind off it by spilling the beans about Conrad buying The Stowaway, which she was not aware of, and is now highly pissed about.

Luckily, Amanda arrives just in time to be berated by Emily for falling for the Grayson’s trickery. No matter how altruistic they may appear, there’s always a hidden agenda. She writes a check, and tells Amanda to convince Jack to pay back Conrad and get the bar back.

Of course, it’s not going to be that easy. She gets Jack to agree to take the check (which is definitive proof that shaving off his facial hair has left him weakened), but when he approaches Conrad with the payment, learns that the plans have changed, and Conrad has assumed the cartoonish role of megalomaniacal land baron, intent on razing every orphanage, pet hospital, and family-owned bar on the waterfront to build his new collection of casinos, whorehouses and Focus On The Family Headquarters.

“Now if you’ll excuse me, there’s an old folks home that needs to be bulldozed.”

Jack is despondent, but doesn’t want to ruin Amanda’s wedding day … so he discusses the situation with Declan in clear earshot of his betrothed. It’s clear that Jack without the face fur is like Batman without his utility belt. But it does lead to something we’ve all been patiently waiting for … Amanda actually does something interesting. She sneaks into Emily’s house, finds one of the 363 secret compartments, and discovers proof about the Grayson misdeeds

Knowing she has the upper hand, she confronts Conrad and tells him to give the bar back to Jack, or she’ll expose him and the family. Conrad says, “So it’s been you all along!” Uh-oh. Conrad agrees to the terms, and when Amanda leaves, he makes a solemn call … to Teen Wolf Dad’s Brother. When they meet, Conrad tells him that things have changed, and because of Amanda, he has to back off. Teen Wolf Dad’s Brother asks if it would help if the interference was eliminated from the picture, and Conrad … doesn’t disagree.

Jack and Amanda set sail on their honeymoon voyage, but little do they realize that they have an unwelcome visitor below the deck … Teen Wolf Dad’s Brother! As Declan calls the boat to inquire about pacifiers (don’t ask), TWD’s brother cuts the phone line.

“And I also have the video of you giving yourself a Melvin..”

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