Tragically, the sharks eventually died of alcohol poisoning.
It was a given that Syfy’s Jersey Shore Shark Attack would be a bad movie, but the question is … is it a good bad movie? Surprisingly, yes, for the most part.
Thanks to a game cast, appropriately dumb dialogue, and some astoundingly bad special effects, it ends up trashy fun … until it eventually wears out its welcome.
Jeremy Luc as “The Complication”
Things get off to an eye-rolling start as we meet the lead characters, the excruciatingly named The Complication (Jeremy Luc), Nooki ( Melissa Molinaro), Pauly Balzac (Daniel Booko), and Donnie (played by Joey Russo, who mugged Meg Foster for her eyes).
Fortunately, the level of satire rises a notch after that cringe-inducing roll call.
The Guidos get into the typical Jersey Shore shenanigans (they’re after A.S.S. “Alcohol, Sun, Sex”), but because this is family-friendly Syfy, it stays at a PG-13 level (the girls in the inevitable wet t-shirt contest wear bathing suits underneath). The trouble starts when people start disappearing, and body parts wash up on shore. When they find the torso of a friend up against the rocks, they debate what to do with it:
“We can’t leave Vinnie bobbing around like this. We gotta give him a proper burial.”
“Seriously? they’re just gonna cremate him and sprinkle his ashes out to sea. This saves them a bunch of steps.”
“What if they don’t cremate him? What if they want to bury him regular like, like in a coffin?”
“Yo, you can’t put that in a coffin. It’s gonna look ridiculous!”
The sharks aren’t they only trouble the Guidos must contend with, of course. In all “nature-run-amok” films, the actual bad guys are either greedy politicians or shady land developers, and here that contingent is represented by preppie snobs Bradford and Spencer (played by Dylan Vox, who continues to put his porn past behind him, and Grant Harvey, who we last saw as the nerdy college computer geek Artie on Days Of Our Lives.)
Dylan Vox and Grant Harvey
Can the Guidos get anyone to believe that a massive shark attack is imminent? Will The Complication’s Police Chief dad, played by Jack Scalia (who still looks great 30 years after The Devlin Connection) trust his errant son? Who will survive the bad CGI nightmare?
I wouldn’t dream of spoiling it, but if there’s one thing you can be sure of, it’s that former teen idols always have a hard time surviving Syfy Original Movies (see Tiffany and Debbie Gibson). But maybe Joey Fatone will buck the trend?
Bye, Bye, Bye
A lot of this is fun, but by the final act the novelty is gone, and we’re left with just a lot of idiots thrashing in the water.
But even though the movie is technically terrible, it’s still better than it probably should have been, and might even elicit a chuckle or two. But then, you probably decided long before this review whether Jersey Shore Shark Attack was going to be on your DVR list.
Jersey Shore Shark Attack airs this Saturday at 9:00 PM ET on Syfy.