In honor of Jason Collins, let’s pick the hottest sport ever. You’re welcome, Jason!
Congrats to Jason Collins for coming out! That’s a big step for the entire NBA, and one that I’m glad Collins chose to take himself. Except he’s got me thinking: What is the hottest sport? Is it basketball? Or is it some other game where people earn millions for lighting up scoreboards and crying at referees?
What better way to investigate this query than with a list? Here are my picks for the 10 hottest sports. The #1 is deadly.
Football: A tough sport full of hot people, but rarely a sexy spectacle while the game is going on. First of all, I can’t see anyone’s face (which is important in choosing a sporty soulmate), and two, the distortion of body shape thanks to padding, helmets, and garish colors turns the field of buff dudes into a phalanx of Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Robots. Still: Man-on-man carnage is a universal gay treat. You just barely made it
I love angry people, and the tennis court is a perfect place for egotistical firestarters to get together, pound projectiles at each other, and howl like 300 extras. Each hard-fought volley provokes a guttural groan, and as Hitchcock’s Strangers on a Train taught us, the hypnotic back-and-forth of the tennis ball is a rhythmic, sinister dance, one as alluring as the sassy bounce of Andre Agassi’s mullet.
8. Figure Skating
Don’t even begin to formulate an argument against the hotness of figure skaters. I will evade it with a delicate twirl like Tai Babilonia. The combination of choreography, poise, muscularity, and (in some cases) cheekiness makes figure skating more than an exhibition of raw, ice-crisscrossing talent. It’s a devious personal showcase with enough tight clothing to render the corny musical stylings subversive in their own way. Look at Spanish skater Javier Fernandez. Prim, powerful, and absolutely hot. I’m doing perfect backflips like Scott Hamilton thinking of him.
The elegance of pinstripe pants. The astounding sexiness of Bull Durham. The rareness of a team sport where individual player sexiness still stands out. The fact that Joe DiMaggio has the most amazing nose of all time. Fine, baseball is hot. But it could still stand to be 20x more watchable.
I’ll be honest: I’m extra-sympathetic to basketball right now because Jason Collins is single-handedly making the entire NBA look good, but there’s a fun history to hotness in the league. Michael Jordan‘s artful weaving, dodging, and tongue-flashing was a kickass display of skill and cockiness, and those are the two my favorite sexy nouns.