“Shameless” 3.05 Recap: “I Need to Know Where the Gay Wieners Go!”

Jimmy (Justin Chatwin) is off his game when it comes to pleasuring Fiona (Emmy Rossum) – he can’t stop picturing his dad with Ian’s junk in his mouth. What a coincidence – neither can I!!  He wonders if his dad checked out his friends when he was younger, and if his feathered-haired racquetball partner was a partner off the court as well. Fiona doesn’t have time for this.

In the backyard, a guy in a city worker uniform gives an incapacitated Frank (William H. Macy) an orange Pepe Le Pew stripe and tells Fiona that they are working on a main in a few days. She puts together that this means they will be digging up the yard.

Over at the Jacksons’, a manic Jody (Zack McGowan) is installing a sex swing above a disgruntled Sheila (Joan Cusack), who points out that she is not used to being the submissive one in the sack, but “it’s good for us to grow. As people.” Looks like Jody is off the wagon and back in the saddle – er, sex swing, eh?

Back at the Gallaghers’, Molly swats Carl (Ethan Cutkowsky) down in the hallway to get to the bathroom first, and Fiona tells Mandy (Emma Greenwell) that she’s gotta tell Molly that she’s a boy. Mandy gets all clingy to Lip (Jeremy Allen White), which wakes Ian (Cameron Monaghan) up all grumpy. Downstairs, Debs (Emma Kenney) compliments Molly’s dress, and Molly points out that it “hides her girl penis.” She adds, “Mom says it’s not polite to show off my bulge.”

Debs reminds the family that Aunt Ginger is buried somewhere in the backyard. Which is about to get dug up by the city. They clear out of the kitchen and Jimmy is left looking very uncomfortable around Ian, his handsome new stepmother.

Jimmy tries to explain to Ian why the fact that Ian’s d*ck has been in his dad’s mouth is throwing him a little, and Carl asks what the hell that means. Jimmy tries to cover. Carl asks if Ian’s gay, and he actually sounds a little excited about the prospect (Jimmy denies it). Frank tells Carl to come help him get some tools from Sheila’s house, and when Carl says he can’t because he’s sick with the cancer, Frank tells him that oh by the way he got a call from the clinic and the pills worked and Carl doesn’t have cancer anymore.

At the city pool, two rich girls in bikinis ask Debs, “Are you a lezbo?” and Debs says that she isn’t but that she supports relationships regardless of sexual orientation. Atta girl. They tell her, “Stop staring at us, and grow some tits.”

At Sheila’s – which is now stocked like a West Village sex boutique with all kinds of novelties – Carl picks up a buttplug and asks Frank what it is. Frank answers, “It’s a pacifier for your anus.” I guess that would make it an assifier? Meanwhile, a priest is bringing in a new hospice patient (for Sheila to kill?!): she’s a nun who has taken a vow of silence. Jody welcomes them while wearing a feathered purple robe clearly designed for a lady. (Or Prince.)

At the Kash and Grab, Lloyd (Harry Hamlin) checks out Ian’s dimeslot as he stocks shelves and tells him he’s sorry. He wants Ian to kiss him (he won’t) and also to break into his old house to steal his fancy suits, a painting and a bottle of wine (he will).

Carl’s gay sex education continues as he asks Frank, “So some guys like to lick wieners?” Frank confirms this. And when Carl tries to work out the whole two-wiener logistical situation, Li’l Hank fills him in on the fact that “When gay dudes get horny, their pee holes open.” Oh sweet Christ. Frank puts the kids to digging for Ginger (no, I’m not referring to Lloyd’s new favorite pastime, but rather to the literal digging for Aunt Ginger) and they hit a power main AND a gas main. Luck o’ the Irish!

At the supermarket, Fiona’s ladies are getting back at her by putting thumbtacks in her register drawer and, later, by locking her in the bathroom and making it look like she was smoking. She doesn’t have any time for it: “I got five kids to feed.” Is she counting Frank?

V (Shanola Hampton) is at the lady doctor, who tells her that she has a 99.999% chance of NOT getting pregnant – apparently not the same odds that V understood from their meeting two weeks ago. Kev (Steve Howey), meanwhile, tells Lip on their trek to stock the drug cream truck with fireworks that he and Mandy are “Ghetto Married”, and that he should enjoy it.

Back at home, Jimmy is still going on about his dad’s being gay, insisting that he has no problem with gay guys because they always hit on him. See? The cure for “gay panic” is simple vanity. V tells him that with his designer jeans and coconut hair product, he’s like “gay flypaper”. She attacks a cut of past-date meat and Fiona quietly suggests that they try a surrogate.

Over at the Jackson house, Sheila cleans her sex toys with Clorox wipes while confessing to the tight-lipped nun that she and Jody are putting a few new wings on the temples that are their bodies. She moans, “I’ve never had so many things inserted into so many parts of my body at once!” and confesses that inflicting sexual pain on others gives her pleasure. Wow. That’s as close to character development as we’ve seen for her this season, isn’t it?

Jimmy continues his pink-tinted traipse down memory lane, coming up with more odd events from his past that now make perfect sense knowing that his dad is gay (and a total slut, by the sound of it). More than anything he’s upset that his father didn’t trust him to just tell him the truth. Says the guy who went by “Steve” to his girlfriend for like a year.

Carl is amazed to learn, “There’s butthole involved?” and laments, “I need to know where the gay wieners go!” Lip explains: “Think of it as one dude plunging another dude’s toilet.” That Lip – ever the romantic.

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