We start with a montage of the family using the bathroom. Well, separately. Hey, wait a minute! This is the same opening as last week! Poor Ian, will he ever find a place to wank in private?
If this is the show’s permanent opening, I’m a little concerned. They need to make it more memorable … maybe pay tribute to other famous show openings? Frank could walk through the door and drunkenly trip over a footstool, a la The Dick Van Dyke Show, or Lip could throw his spunk-encrusted boxers into the air a la Mary Tyler Moore.
Anyway, after the credits, we get to the real opening – Emmy Rossum‘s bare breasts. Which I have to admit, upped the “yuck factor” for me. Not because it was bare breasts, but because it was Emmy Rossum’s bare breasts. Now, instead of the image of Emmy looking radiant while being badly wooed by Gerard Butler, all I’ll see when I look at her is two eggs … sunny side up.
On the plus side, remember last week when I wrote about hot blond cop Tony, “please let him start dating Fiona so I can see him in a sex scene?”
Tony and Fiona are in his patrol car playing a sex game of “cop and girl who’s dating a criminal.” Admittedly, it’s not a stretch. Tony is just about to “read her her rights,” when the church doors across the street burst open. The police car is soon besieged by a horde of ravenous zombie children, in a desperate attempt to rip-off timeslot rival The Walking Dead.
As Tony and Fiona struggle to dress, the children demand to be amused, so Tony flips the siren on. The church lady rushes over to move the children away, while noticing that Fiona is in the front seat of the police car. Who knew that being in the front seat of a car could lead to disapproving looks?
Meanwhile, we meet new character Mandy, who walks in to the Kash & Grab to thank Ian for coming to her rescue at school when a sleazy teacher tried to rap her knuckles with his ruler.
Of course, Ian at first assumes that the hand moving up his inner thigh is that of his married boss Kash.
Ian does his best to give her the brush-off, but it’s obvious that this is not going to end well. Mandy is one of those girls who craves attention from boys, and will turn any act of kindness or any perceived slight into psychotic teen drama.
If she had a guitar, she’d be Taylor Swift.
Oh c’mon … it’s a joke!