“So You Think You Can Dance” Finale: Survival of the Hottest

And the winners… of So You Think You Can Dance… are… PROBABLY MORE TIRED THAN ANY OF US CAN IMAGINE! HOORAY! THEY SURELY WANT TO BE LEFT ALONE! WEE! Seriously, stop tweeting at them, Christina Applegate.

We’ll get to the results in a bit, but first: I started this season by comparing So You Think You Can Dance to American Idol, and now, I will gleefully contrast the two Fox juggernauts. Every American Idol finale feels like a painful elegy, a disturbing culmination where a frail white dude wins everything and Jennifer Holliday chews up the runner-up’s face. It’s a bloodletting. Meanwhile, every SYTYCD finale feels like a quaint graduation ceremony at an arts academy. The students present themselves and receive funky diplomas from their professors Nigel Lythgoe, Mary Murphy, teary-eyed dandy Adam Shankman, your elegant great aunt Debbie Allen, smirking prom queen Tyce Diorio, and the REAL EXCITED Lil C. It’s just cute. An ideal setup.

So, let’s roll through a slideshow of the big finale and wind up with a discussion about the winners. Have a handkerchief handy, because it’s going to get gay.

Your panel of judges! August and esteemed. I’m glad Debbie Allen is dressed like a scandalized countess in a murder mystery (“My diamonds!”), but I could do without the vogueing lobster on Mary Murphy‘s boob. Adam Shankman and Tyce Diorio are wearing identical attention spans, and I have to say Nigel Lythgoe stayed pretty tolerable throughout the evening. I cackled when he reminded Cyrus that he didn’t vote for him. He phrased it diplomatically, but I still heard, “Cyrus, your ‘dancing’ is just jittering and quaking, and if I wanted that to win So You Think You Can Dance, I’d just hand the crown to Mia Michaels during one of her Yohimbine tantrums.”

Matthew and Audrey dredged up their Titanic routine. Very cheesy, but that chaise is straight-up Reinvention Tour, so I dug it. Oh, and Matthew’s pop-o-matic ass flew at us like pinata candy. Smile.

Witney is better than this hip-hop routine, and she’s way better than looking like Taylor Dayne‘s raunchy audition to join The Black Eyed Peas. Still, it was cool to see her work with the seriously unbeatable tWitch again, since he brought it real hard. Judging by the gestures here, they’re requesting that we TELL IT TO THEIR HEARTS. Challenge accepted.

George. Can’t say I remember him all that well, but he seems like a fine chap. Too bad Tiffany is wearing two meringue cookies and a powdered sugar tunic here. Is this a Project Runway challenge? Is Gristedes a sponsor? Because Tiffany’s outfit is in the bottom two with Mary Murphy’s lobster brooch and construction paper bangs.

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