“So You Think You Can Dance” Top 20 Rankings: Naughtiest. Ninja. Ever.

So You Think You Can Dance gave me three things I needed last night, and here they are in descending order of importance: 1) Hard-nippled boy candy with smut undertones! Thanks, Nigel! 2) Big Mentadent smiles! (Including the faaabulous Mary Murphy, who was looking like her old claymation-sealion-modeled-after-Miley-Cyrus self.) And 3) Classy stepping! Yes, class. That. It was all there. And now, so are my rankings of this week’s Top 20. Onward!

10. Cyrus and Eliana

This is painful, because I truly dig Eliana and Cyrus. Eliana is a take-no-dollar-bills pole dancer whose legs go on for decades, and Cyrus is a jittery robot sensation. So it’s too bad they were assigned a hokey Broadway routine that required a lot of annoying bouncing. And sexlessness. Cyrus knows his inclusion in the Top 20 is a fluke, but this routine cemented the fact that he probably won’t master foreign genres at warp speed. Broadway is, after all, one of the easier genres in this game. Because he’s a memorable player, I know he’ll survive the first cut, but his potential in this contest is seriously short. Eliana, better break out the stilettos and strippererobics next week.

9. Alexa and Daniel

Let me calmly explain the theme of this routine to you: wearing hideous red crap and running around. I don’t know how much the producers stack the deck so that certain dancers look worse than others, but nothing about this dance was charismatic. The frenetic pace and nondescript choreography flew by as a big, red wash. Look at the redness of these outfits. Joseph McCarthy would’ve escorted those outfits out of the country, and I’d have supported it. There.

8. Tiffany and George

A word on “pretty” routines: I don’t care for them. I don’t want to see balletic gentleness or earth-toned Danskin apparel or ladylikeness. I don’t want to hear “Fix You” or Brandi Carlile or Jason Mraz‘s new girlfriend or some other infuriating chirping. I want unpretentious action, and unfortunately, I found this judge-hailed number super dull. Sorry, but don’t choreograph a bunch of romantic cartwheels and expect me to weep. That’s where this begins and ends. Nicely danced, though, dancers!

7. Amber and Nick

Amber is a ferocious, bleach-headed talent machine, so I’m obsessed with her; Nick let me down last week when he couldn’t tame Witney and Lindsay in that menage-a-toreador routine. I’d say those two judgments sum up my feeling about this graceful sequence, which did have its lovely moments (namely when Nick spun Amber and her legs soared like a sexy gymnast’s on the pommel horse), but it ultimately felt like an uneasy mix of energies and styles. And that “passionate hug” at the end? Less convincing than my “jock” impersonation.

6. Dareian and Janelle

You can’t go 10 minutes on So You Think You Can Dance without a “jungle” routine, and Dareian and Janelle danced this week’s Rudyard Kipling fever dream. They pounced the floor, slithered on each other’s exposed flesh, made “I’m a Slave 4 U” faces, and juked like horny Fraggles. Dareian, in fact, was delicious. Janelle on the other hand is a little more “flail-y” than “fantastic,” and I’m rooting for her departure in favor of the Broadway-doomed Eliana. Belly dancers just don’t do it for me. Or anyone who has ever read AfterElton.

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