“Spartacus: War of the Damned” Episode 5 Recap: “Unhappy Gays Are Here Again”

This week’s episode of Spartacus: War of the Damned starts where most episodes end: with buckets of blood. And I mean literally buckets, as blood is dripping everywhere. Clean up on Aisle 5! Spartacus and Agron inspect the dead bodies of the fallen Romans. Spartacus seems sad that so many died so uselessly, and orders Nasir to clean the blood off of the bodies and to salt them. Spartacus tells Agron, “They may yet serve some purpose.” Hmm. Salt is a preservative. Is Spartacus holding on to the dead Romans in case food shortages get so bad the rebels have to go all Donner Party on the corpses? Seriously, what is Spartacus up to?

As for our two favorite power gays—really, they are the Neil Patrick and David of the ancient world—there is still clear tension between them in the wake of last week’s Castus-gate. Nasir tries to break kindly words with Agron, but the hunky hulk isn’t having any of it. I have to say, considering Nasir is playing the role of undertaker at the moment and surrounded by swinging corpses, I wasn’t really feeling the love in the air, myself. Perhaps, Nasir, you should try your amorous overtures somewhere a little more romantic—like an open sewer grate. In Kinshasa. In July.

The rest of the rebels are busy training under Crixus’ ever-cranky tutelage. Maybe he’s mad because he’s been relegated to position of PE instructor? Agron worries that Crixus may pose a threat to Spartacus, and Spartacus asks him whose side he is on. I’m hoping that Agron breaks into a rousing chorus of “Nobody’s Side” from Chess, a highly underrated late-80s musical, but I’m probably the only one. Instead, Agron says that he is on Spartacus’ side…but not without a slight hesitation.

Crixus, meanwhile, acts like an enraged bull in a particular crowded china shop, stomping around and snorting at everyone and everything. Seriously, we get so far up his nostrils we can see the underside of his medulla oblongata. Gannicus, on the other hand, is his usual mellow self. Meaning, of course, that he is crap-faced drunk while hanging out with the pirates. When Spartacus gives him a look of disapproval, Gannicus assures him that it is after 5:00pm somewhere on the planet, but then Spartacus is quick to remind him that half of the planet has not been officially discovered yet, so that may not be quite true. Heracleo appears, giving Spartacus the keys to his ship and telling him to make sure he has it back before ten o’clock and with a full tank of gas. Apparently Spartacus, Gannicus, Saxa and some pirates are heading out on a seafaring adventure, destination unknown. And nobody, it appears, thought to clue Crixus in on any of it. Meanwhile, Caesar watches everything with an appraising look on his face.

Elsewhere, in the follower’s camp, our poor Tibby looks positively down in the dumps—quite fitfully, since he has been placed in a dump—as he mopes over the fate of poor, dead, beautifully-coiffed, hunky-abbed Sabinus. He clutches on to the little white stone that did in his man and barks at his former soldiers when they get into a scuffle. From afar, Kore watches, a concerned look on her face. Oh girl, you better be concerned.

 

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