“Teen Wolf” 3.10: Lunar Eclipse of the Heart

Previously on Teen Wolf, Derek Hale was so good at falling in love with ladies that he decided to fall in love with even more ladies. “I will chose a lady that I won’t have to murder while my uncle eats a package of Reese’s Peanut Butter cups,” he said to himself. “I will also choose a lady who will not lock my family inside my house and set it on fire.” So instead he chose a high school literature teacher who was turned on by open wounds and liked Celtic mythology and idioms and ritual murder. That lady killed half of Beacon Hills High School, kidnapped Sheriff Stilinski, and tried to strangle Lydia to death, but Lydia whooped and hollered like a banshee — because she is a banshee — and so she was saved.

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As soon as Ms. Blake jumped through her classroom window with Sheriff Stilinski slung over her shoulders, a hurricane rolled into Beacon Hills, which is a problem on a variety of levels. For one thing, Melissa McCall General Hospital is in absolute chaos. The power is flickering on and off and the backup generators don’t work and the only other healthcare professional in the building bounces when he hears Hill Valley has been flooded. (Get it? Hill Valley? Home of Marty McFly? Played by Michael J. Fox? The original Teen Wolf?)

Most of the patients at McCall General have been evacuated, except for Cora Hale. Peter is standing watch over her with the V-est V-neck you’ve ever seen in your life. Peter says he’ll take care of Cora, and to test his loyalty, she vomits black goop all over the place. The kind like you would vomit if someone replaced your cancer pills with mountain ash.

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Across town in his under-furnished, beautiful lit loft, Derek Hale is doing his daily brooding. Jennifer Blake rocks up, all frantic about, “Hey, uh, your buddies Scott and Stiles haven’t shown up here to dime me out for attempted murder slash kidnapping slash hijacking the minds of an entire high school orchestra have they? Because if they do that, they are such a couple of liars. Blow job?” But Scott and Stiles have already gotten to Derek and also they have procured a bottle of granulated mistletoe. Scott slings a cloud of it at Ms. Blake. Her head does the VoldeFace thing and she’s like, “Yeah, OK, I’m the mass murdering psycho, after all, but I have special healing powers as a complement to my special killing powers and you’re going to need my expertise if you want to keep your sister alive.”

So off they go to McCall General to check in on Cora. Stiles takes a bat for protection because MTV wanted to do a test to see what would happen to you if you watched a rain-soaked Dylan O’Brien scowl while wielding some sporting equipment. (Spoiler alert: You’re pregnant.)

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Also at the hospital are: 1) Isaac, Allison, and Chris Argent, because two out of three of them want to save Scott’s life because two out of three of them want to make sweet werelove with Scott’s body. 2) The Alpha Pack, because they heard Jennifer Blake is here and they really want that bitch to die.

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