“Teen Wolf” 3.07: One Alpha to Rule Them All

Previously on Teen Wolf, Danny‘s nipples.

It’s a new day in Beacon Hills which means a new catastrophe is only moments away. Just kidding, the new catastrophe is now. There’s been a ten-car pile-up on a major thoroughfare and it’s chaos in the ER because, as usual, Melissa McCall is the only trained medical professional in this town. Scott‘s hanging around the hospital also, feeding his mom fishes and loaves and taking away the pain of the car-crash victims that haven’t been treated yet. But everyone else’s miseries and deaths are just gonna have to wait because beautiful, beautiful Danny Māhealani comes hobbling in, supported by a completely freaked out Ethan.

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I feel like we knew this scene was coming since the very first teaser trailer landed months ago, but we’ve lost two lesbian TV characters this summer and seeing Danny laid out on a gurney sent me on an emotional doom spiral like he was the third person in an OCD Druid sacrifice situation or something. His sternum is crushed and also he’s puking up mistletoe. Melissa correctly abandons all the other patients and does some medical things that make Danny’s lungs stop collapsing and his heart start beating. Scott and Ethan are impressed and grateful, and then they go outside and get into a bitch fight about who loves Danny more.

See, Ethan and Aiden went after Lydia and Danny on purpose when they came to town, because they knew one of them was going to be on Scott’s Scooby crew. Now they know it’s Lydia, so Ethan is free to fall in love with Danny and not feel guilty like he’s using him. While they’re sorting out the finer points of their affection for Beacon Hills’ sexiest unicorn, a car comes screeching into the hospital parking lot and crashes into some other cars. Apparently two doctors have been spirited away by moths, which means this week’s druid sacrifice is: healers.

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So, Danny wasn’t a target of the alpha pack (because Ethan’s adoration is keeping him safe there, I guess) and he wasn’t a target of the Druid serial killer either (because that cuckoo bird is doing in doctors this week). Who is after him? Who knows? But Stiles figures out why someone tried to off him. His first plan is to visit Danny in the hospital and smack his face until he wakes up and offers some clues. But he is very out of it, so Stiles takes the liberty of rummaging around in his backpack.

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Danny: [Adorably drugged off his ass] Dude, why are you rifling through my shit?
Stiles: Er, I’m not? This is just a dream? Yep. That’s it. A drrreeeaaam. Daaaannny, you’re dreeeeeaaaming.
Danny: Why would I be dreaming about you—
Stiles: Uh, why would you not be dreaming about me? Do gay guys not dream about me? Hey. Hey, wake up. Am I not homosexually dream-worthy?
Danny: Everyone everywhere on every notch on the Kinsey scale dreams about you, Stiles. I meant, why would I be dreaming about you digging through my school stuff?
Stiles: [Verbatim] I don’t know, Danny. It’s your dream. Take responsibility for it.

What Stiles finds in Danny’s backpack is some research he was doing about how Beacon Hills is a magnet for lunar rays. They’re extra strong here, pinging around all over the place and causing these pockets of lunar energy in the ground and whatever. It’s like the Hellmouth but for the moon. The Moonmouth. Apparently Mr. Harris tried to deter Danny from doing the project before he got garrotted in the woods during the ritual military people sacrifices.

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